I Get Lost In My Thoughts Sometimes

I don't know if anyone would take me seriously saying this, but sometimes I feel like I'm not seen by others how I see myself.. like, I don't want to say what et I am, but I guess I feel like I'd have more things if I were white.. I mean, even in school there was some chart showing white people get more earnings.. then I even feel weird around people like I'm probably not seen as beautiful I feel like I am.. is it just me over thinking, or my feelings making me think something's the way I feel like it is but it's not? and also, there's a weird feeling like things happening recently happened before, and sometimes it feels like that a bit too much, and kinda weirds me out..
ehehehh...

sometimes, it would bother me so much, that I try calling people for support, and end up saying really mean stuff regarding the things I mentioned, and just feel horrible cause I inadvertantly yell it with cussing which makes them not want to talk to me, and then that makes me feel left by myself just.. being drowned out in my feelings...

guhh.. I even start remembering some moments hanging out with old friends from elementary and high school.. but then I feel like because I became more of a girl I am inside out, they don't really want to hang out again... I mean, most of them were guys and some were girls, but it's just, I guess I was hoping it'd be with new fun moments.

well.. this is just stuff that's been on my mind.