hope and grief

i dont know where to start, iv noticed i have endured a lot, it has affected me,people notice,ill daze iff into space but im trying to be normal, pretend nothing is wrong. i am in a point in my life where i am so alone, i thought i had family , nope, my exs are abusive, im constantly scared of men, when i walk anywhere , my head is always to the ground, im scared of a guy approaching me, then i get more nervous thinking if they wont leave, im tired of being scared of men, iv ran into the same type of guys, abusive, dealing with truama, is it my sweet face or my energy. i just want peace , protection. i know i may have to change something in my routine, i want to become physically and mentally strong.. for my kids... i dont want to always be scared of guys, ppl would say move which i consider but this harrassment can happen anywhere.. there are times i wish i had someone to walk with me , be with me, bothing sexual .. i have no one, barely friends because i dont get atttached . i pray for a peace of mind, i gave bills kids to take care of . despite my past of being beat, tortured ,touched when sleeping which is the nice way to put it... i pray dor myself even if no one will ... my mind is so bad, im constantly livving with anxiety and not doing better for my kids, its so much that i wish i wasnt here sometimes and i dwell on thought. the heaviness in me, i can feel myself slowly just giving up , grief grief grief