I Have Social Anxiety
Its weird how i always thin kthat my sa has dissappeared when i am bymyself for extendedperiids of time.
When i am by myself for too long i start too wonder ehy i am so lonely and why i have no friends. When i am by myself it is all too easy to forget what i was scared of.
When i first put my selc in the presence of people again i feel good. I feel light. Like i am living life right. Like i no longer have depression or anxiety.
Buta few days of constant social interaction and of course that facade of happiness breaks suddenly.
Today i was very aware of the moment my "happiness" snapped. Some one said to me "I dont even understand why you care about that, it doesnt matter" and now that i think about it maybe they didnt mean for their words to sink as deep as they did. But they did.
Now here i am spiralling. I just want to be alone. Im exhausted. Mentally physically. I just want to go back to my apartment sit in the shower and let cold water run over me. Then let hot water run over me in the dark until the water runs comd again.
I want to sit in a room and take solace in the fact that im alone.
Im just tired of being arpund people.
Its like while i was by myself in the comfort of my apratmemt i built my self a wall of defense. Maybe ever since i left my apartment people have been chipping at it. Or maybe my wall was so weak that that pne senten e made it shatter, exposing me directly to the damage.
Its so easy to forget e erythomg when youre alone. But im the moment the experience seems so bad i wonder hiw it is that i forget so easily the turmoil i think myself into.
When i am by myself for too long i start too wonder ehy i am so lonely and why i have no friends. When i am by myself it is all too easy to forget what i was scared of.
When i first put my selc in the presence of people again i feel good. I feel light. Like i am living life right. Like i no longer have depression or anxiety.
Buta few days of constant social interaction and of course that facade of happiness breaks suddenly.
Today i was very aware of the moment my "happiness" snapped. Some one said to me "I dont even understand why you care about that, it doesnt matter" and now that i think about it maybe they didnt mean for their words to sink as deep as they did. But they did.
Now here i am spiralling. I just want to be alone. Im exhausted. Mentally physically. I just want to go back to my apartment sit in the shower and let cold water run over me. Then let hot water run over me in the dark until the water runs comd again.
I want to sit in a room and take solace in the fact that im alone.
Im just tired of being arpund people.
Its like while i was by myself in the comfort of my apratmemt i built my self a wall of defense. Maybe ever since i left my apartment people have been chipping at it. Or maybe my wall was so weak that that pne senten e made it shatter, exposing me directly to the damage.
Its so easy to forget e erythomg when youre alone. But im the moment the experience seems so bad i wonder hiw it is that i forget so easily the turmoil i think myself into.
