I Have Social Anxiety
It hasn’t gotten stronger since I moved out of my parent’s house, but it’s gotten more noticeable. I think it’s because I feel like I can be myself around my husband, and that freedom to express myself mixed with the stress of moving in and changing my last name makes my social anxiety more prevalent, I suppose. I guess I always felt nervous around people, but I dealt with it in silence until now.
First, let me just say right now that I’m not diagnosed with social anxiety. I AM diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, and anxiety is one of the symptoms. However, a lot of these items are merely patterns in my behavior that I’ve noticed.
Let’s start with crowds. It really depends on the crowd I’m in. If I’m in a theme park or a fairground, and there are a lot of people around, I don’t feel as vulnerable to a freak-out because I’m in a place that is fun. So my tolerance to how many people I can be around gets stronger when I’m in a fun place. But that tolerance gets a lot weaker in places like grocery stores or a busy parking lot. I can function well enough to do what I need to do, but at the cost of feeling very uncomfortable.
The stupid thing is that a store doesn’t have to be all that busy for me to feel this way. Sometimes I’ll avoid aisles entirely if there’s even one person in them. Either that or I’ll edge my way into the aisle and wait far away from them until they leave. And if all the aisles have someone in them, I’ll be able to put on my big-girl pants and do what I have to. But obviously I avoid that kind of thing as much as possible, just so I don’t have to deal with it. Sometimes, I’m able to handle myself in situations that are understood to be a bit more cut-throat. I enjoy samples as Costco, and I will edge my way in and take my sample without guilt or insecurity. But at least in that situation, I’m in and automatically back out.
Driving is another issue. I drive fairly well. I’ve only been in one accident, and I was the one with the right of way. So I can drive fine. But some people on the road give me anxiety like no one’s business. If people pass me, I feel horrible guilt, even if I’m over the speed limit. I hate when people honk as well. It makes me furious and it puts me on edge. Even if I’m not the one being honked at, just the way it makes me jump makes me nervous. And if I’m honked at outside of a car… this past weekend, my husband and I were at a store, and a car honked (not AT me, but at someone close). It was so loud and sudden that I literally screamed.
Which leads perfectly into public humiliation… dear lord… when I screamed, this little 9-year-old kid turned around and stared at me before going into the store with her mom. Sure, she was 9 and I shouldn’t have cared, but just the fact that I called attention to myself like that was horrifying. It’s also horribly embarrassing when I’m feeling particularly on edge and I have to step away from people to make a bubble for myself. I’m worried that they take it personally, despite the fact that I don’t know them. And when I make a mistake at work, even one that can be fixed, I feel an overwhelming amount of shame for the rest of the entire day.
Speaking of work, something else that makes me a nervous wreck is requests. Particularly making requests. I have sick time and vacation time, and I’m well within my rights to use them. However, actually asking for time off is an ordeal for me. It’s not as though it’s hard. I work for a small company, so time cards and time off is based off a sort of honor system. All I have to do is go up to a manager as ask for the time off. Since I usually keep on top of my work load, I’ve yet to ever be denied a vacation day. Same for sick time. Of course, I rarely use sick time. I have my own little dungeon that I work in, so if I have a cold, it’s easy to keep it to myself. But if I get a migraine or if I wake up nauseated, I can’t handle it. Usually I’ll call in and say I’ll be late so I can sleep my ails away. Either that or I’ll try to muscle through it, and if I can’t handle it, I’ll go home (as was the case last time I had a migraine). But going up and asking for it is very difficult. I sort of have to take a moment and psych myself up before I ask, take several deep breathes, center myself. Even though the conversation is, “Can I have this day off?” “Okay, I’ll put that on the calendar”. And that’s it. I find THAT extremely difficult. I feel better when it’s over, but the anxiety before hand is just sickening…
I could go on and on, but those are the biggest issues I put on myself. I wish I could have a little more control over myself, but at least I have my own space and a husband who understands. I suppose that’s a good trade.
First, let me just say right now that I’m not diagnosed with social anxiety. I AM diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, and anxiety is one of the symptoms. However, a lot of these items are merely patterns in my behavior that I’ve noticed.
Let’s start with crowds. It really depends on the crowd I’m in. If I’m in a theme park or a fairground, and there are a lot of people around, I don’t feel as vulnerable to a freak-out because I’m in a place that is fun. So my tolerance to how many people I can be around gets stronger when I’m in a fun place. But that tolerance gets a lot weaker in places like grocery stores or a busy parking lot. I can function well enough to do what I need to do, but at the cost of feeling very uncomfortable.
The stupid thing is that a store doesn’t have to be all that busy for me to feel this way. Sometimes I’ll avoid aisles entirely if there’s even one person in them. Either that or I’ll edge my way into the aisle and wait far away from them until they leave. And if all the aisles have someone in them, I’ll be able to put on my big-girl pants and do what I have to. But obviously I avoid that kind of thing as much as possible, just so I don’t have to deal with it. Sometimes, I’m able to handle myself in situations that are understood to be a bit more cut-throat. I enjoy samples as Costco, and I will edge my way in and take my sample without guilt or insecurity. But at least in that situation, I’m in and automatically back out.
Driving is another issue. I drive fairly well. I’ve only been in one accident, and I was the one with the right of way. So I can drive fine. But some people on the road give me anxiety like no one’s business. If people pass me, I feel horrible guilt, even if I’m over the speed limit. I hate when people honk as well. It makes me furious and it puts me on edge. Even if I’m not the one being honked at, just the way it makes me jump makes me nervous. And if I’m honked at outside of a car… this past weekend, my husband and I were at a store, and a car honked (not AT me, but at someone close). It was so loud and sudden that I literally screamed.
Which leads perfectly into public humiliation… dear lord… when I screamed, this little 9-year-old kid turned around and stared at me before going into the store with her mom. Sure, she was 9 and I shouldn’t have cared, but just the fact that I called attention to myself like that was horrifying. It’s also horribly embarrassing when I’m feeling particularly on edge and I have to step away from people to make a bubble for myself. I’m worried that they take it personally, despite the fact that I don’t know them. And when I make a mistake at work, even one that can be fixed, I feel an overwhelming amount of shame for the rest of the entire day.
Speaking of work, something else that makes me a nervous wreck is requests. Particularly making requests. I have sick time and vacation time, and I’m well within my rights to use them. However, actually asking for time off is an ordeal for me. It’s not as though it’s hard. I work for a small company, so time cards and time off is based off a sort of honor system. All I have to do is go up to a manager as ask for the time off. Since I usually keep on top of my work load, I’ve yet to ever be denied a vacation day. Same for sick time. Of course, I rarely use sick time. I have my own little dungeon that I work in, so if I have a cold, it’s easy to keep it to myself. But if I get a migraine or if I wake up nauseated, I can’t handle it. Usually I’ll call in and say I’ll be late so I can sleep my ails away. Either that or I’ll try to muscle through it, and if I can’t handle it, I’ll go home (as was the case last time I had a migraine). But going up and asking for it is very difficult. I sort of have to take a moment and psych myself up before I ask, take several deep breathes, center myself. Even though the conversation is, “Can I have this day off?” “Okay, I’ll put that on the calendar”. And that’s it. I find THAT extremely difficult. I feel better when it’s over, but the anxiety before hand is just sickening…
I could go on and on, but those are the biggest issues I put on myself. I wish I could have a little more control over myself, but at least I have my own space and a husband who understands. I suppose that’s a good trade.
