The morning started with a trip to the ER and ended with four prescriptions, some much needed chicken salad, and pizza for the guys who have
taken care of me nonstop for the past 36 hours.
I woke up at 1am on Thursday with incredible pain at the location of my tumor. The pain was so severe that I was nauseated constantly and no amount of ibuprofen could even touch it. Later that afternoon I hit my limit of strength and requested to go to the clinic for some relief. They were such a compassionate group of medical providers as they distributed a shot for the pain and a shot for the nausea after I had thrown up the dissolvable pill they had just given me. He then provided a prescription for the nausea in case it was prompted again, but the pain shot did wonders for me, therefore relieving the nausea that worked hand-in-hand with the pain to make me completely incapacitated for far too long. I had high hopes for the morning to come after I finally got more than an hour of sleep and felt “normalish” again.
But with a better night of rest came even worse symptoms prompted by my tumor. My tumor is located on the back of me eye where it originated as a freckle. It has built up so my pressure in my eye that I woke up looking like I had gone nine rounds with Rocky and he concentrated on that one eye…yet there was no pain. It was weird. I couldn’t even open my eye fully yet the pain medicine that’s still in my system for the rest of the day was like…”oh, we’re good, bro.” 🤨. We’re not though, and I knew it.
Fast forward to a quick trip the inside of the ER because they had no clue how to treat me, but the ophthalmologist they referred me to took such great care of me. He answered all of my questions and set me straight on the cancer treatment path that I have been in foolish denial of. Things are going to happen now, things I’ve never faced like surgery and the possible conversation containing the words, “It’s metastasized. You only have # months to live.” I’ve been so scared of hearing those words ever since my initial diagnosis, but getting just a small dose and the legit debilitating effect of the true pain that cancer can bring makes me finally want to fight against the monster that it is…even if I get the news that’s it’s too late to do much about it. There can’t be any looking back or even looking forward. I can only stay in the now to keep my anxiety and sanity intact.
So, after only having a small cup of jello in my system since this all took me out, today I’m treating myself to some much needed protein…just a little…as the medication begins to fight the pressure caused by the little mushroom that’s invaded my body. And I have all the days I need to rest from work because my boss is awesome like that. Really don’t like to be sidelined and reminded that no matter what I try to tell myself, at the end of the day I’m just a fragile little flower trying to stay upright in a tornado fueled by cancer. Just trying to hold onto my petals for as long as I can.
Hope you get well. My wife had breast cancer 20 years ago, had a mastectomy, chemo and they said she was in remission. 5 years later she found a lump under her arm and they did a scan and found the cancer had spread to her skull, sternum, hip and spine. We had a great doctor and tried a new oral treatment and within 3 months her scan and blood test showed basically the cancer was gone. Now 5 years later things are still looking very good with a yearly scan and monthly blood tests.
Try to remember that most people at work aren't also fighting cancer like you are... and this enforced time off is your chance to rest and recover or pamper yourself however you see fit.
You're going to need both of those things as you fight the war against your cancer.
You haven't been sidelined, they understand that work is so much harder for you than everyone else there because your body is working so much harder to do your job at the same time as fighting for your life. Hopefully, that might be enough for you to have an easier time of accepting the break and feeling differently about it.
Sorry to hear this for you with all you already have on "your plate". There are times when other things have to take a back seat to taking care of yourself .. this is one of them. I know its easier said than done, but its also necessary. Hope you manage to do so until this eases. ❤
@JohnnyNoir Looking at beginning that much needed journey this upcoming week. Find myself making excuses to hold off a few more weeks to plan everything out to appease my attempt to be in control of something, but the foolishness has become too present and honestly too painful to continue on.
I’m so glad you finally made that move though. Definitely not something to just brush off, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves we can.
