I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just feel numb.

I'm not asking for pity or anything like that; it is just that over the last five years or so, I've been through a lot of shit. I underwent open heart surgery in 2023 to replace a bad valve in my heart, once that I found out had been a birth defect, but from the time I was 18 until I was 44, doctors just dismissed the pains in my chest as anxiety. I got a new doctor who referred me to a cardiologist who discovered my defective valve and told me that I was in congestive heart failure, and that If I didn't get the valve replaced, I would probably die within a year. I had the operation and they put a titanium valve in my heart. Because of that, I was told that I have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life. They were having a hard time finding the right dosage of warfarin for me, and two months after my surgery, a blood clot formed on my valve, went to my brain, and I had a stroke. It wasn't your normal kind of stroke with the slacking face or drooping appendages or anything like that. I was at work actually, and I was having troubles understanding numbers on my spreadsheets and I had a terrible headache. My partner asked me what was wrong with me, and I just shrugged it off and made light of the situation. I didn't go to the office Christmas party that night, I just went home and said I wasn't in the mood to go. I had the next four days off, and my wife wad coming back to town that night from visiting family, so I figured everything would be fine. The next four days, I started to struggle more with numbers. I couldn't tell time correctly, I couldn't remember dates, I couldn't read the numbers on my debit card. It was almost like a form of dyslexia. And my headache was getting worse. My Christmas Eve, it was so bad that I called my kids and parents and told them I was having my wife take me to the hospital to get checked out. It was that night that they took me to a major hospital about two hours from my home and told me I had suffered a stroke. I was there in the hospital for about a week and had occupational rehab for the following month. Slowly but surely, things improved and I returned to work, and for the next couple of years, things seemed relatively normal to me. My wife, who is a nurse, was unemployed at the time, and having trouble getting a job because of things on her record. That was okay to me though. I was making good money and we didn't struggle for anything. I guess things weren't good in her eyes though, because in May of 2025, she left me. I went to work like normal, it was a Saturday and I worked four 12 hour days at the time. I got home from work that day, and all of her stuff was gone and she was no where to me found. Her phone went straight to voicemail. I just had no idea what the fuck I did wrong. But I couldn't just sit around and cry about it. I went to bed, and was at work the next day at 5am. About a week later, I finally got a text from her saying that she'd be sending me a letter letting me know what was going on. About a month went by, and that letter never came, but out of the blue she called me. She came over and we talked, and she told me that she had to leave for both of us. She described our relationship and marriage as toxic. I don't know, maybe it was. But I do know that I always tried my best to make her happy and to support her and give her everything she ever needed or wanted.

Now I feel empty, numb. The only thing that really makes me happy anymore are my kids. But they are growing up so fast that I hardly see them anymore. My son is 19, he's his own man for the most part. He's in college, works, and has a girlfriend. My daughter is 13, and is all about her friends. She would much rather spend time hanging out with them then her old dad, and I don't blame her. I was the same way when I was her age. But the things I used to enjoy doing besides spending time with my kids don't make me happy much anymore. I just want to sleep most of the time. I'm on antidepressants and see a therapist but they aren't doing a fucking thing for me. I am also very lonely. I just miss companionship and being loved. I don't think that's too much to ask.