Uhhhhhh why is life like this

Im not suicidal or anything but sometimes I feel like my existence is filled with more moments of discomfort than happiness. Since little I felt like I was evil /dirty inside , even in terms of appearence I never felt like an "adorable princess" ,I felt more like a creepy old man idk. I remember when I was ten I felt depressed for a few weeks because I felt like I was going to hell when I died , because sometimes I acted unpolite . I feel like shame has been something I felt frequently , specially in the latest years when I entered adulthood. I overthink stuff and im always afraid I offended someone ,it gets worse because I know I lack situational awareness and I get paranoid that I made a mistake. There were days were I felt very anxious and unhappy at work and felt like a burden to the others, I wished to get sick or smt just to avoid this panic .I was doing better these days but recently I did something kinda unpolite ( but someone was unpolite with me before) and now I feel ashamed and uncomfortable again. Its a part of being human but it sucks