Song that I’m listening to, telling my ex goodbye, and sister’s problems
If I die young by the band Perry and happier by Bastille and marshmello. I wonder if my ex boyfriend knows I have cancer I told him that in my letter to say goodbye because he had not talked to me in a long time. Maybe he put my emails to spam folder or junk long ago. I wish he would be here for me as one of my best friends. Like he used to be my friend before he got engaged and married. Could he ignore my emails knowing I’m sick and possibly dying? That would be so cruel. I know he will never be my lover ever again. I should have never broken up with him. But I wanted him to be happier and with someone else who didn’t have mental illnesses and he could make a life with not waiting around for the woman to become independent financially and bringing them together because he didn’t have enough money to travel internationally after all his expenses and he had a job he needed to keep to help his aging parents with his brother and had his life in India.
Also my mom went overboard in contacting my sister’s therapist worried about her depression and the therapist texted my sister asking if she needed to go to the hospital because she was worried she would hurt herself. It’s been such a mess. My sister hates the dysfunction in our family especially with me. ( even before I found out about my cancer), my mother might have implied to my sister that maybe she wasn’t hired because they saw her as really skinny. I don’t think that’s what she meant to say but that’s how it came across. I wish things worked out for my sister in Tennessee. She doesn’t even want to celebrate her birthday because of feeling like a failure. She is a good person and deserves a break. Now she has to wait until August to try again for the police academy. What do you tell a young woman who is so hard on herself and did everything right. But still gets no results in her life? I feel terrible.
One thing I never wanted her to be was end up. Like me. At 33, I’m still dependent on my parents with the exception of SSI check every month that gives me an extra about $700 dollars to spare. My dad keeps some of. The money in our joint checking account in his name so I don’t go over the $2,000 limit assets in my name. Some of the money is helping towards my expenses. My sister is everything I’m not including very goal oriented and a go getter. She worries she will end up like me and who can blame her for being afraid? I’m not a great role model. I didn’t fight for what I wanted and gave up easily when obstacles came up especially in my online vocational courses, my sewing classes, and my degree programs. She is trying to be everything I’m not and it frustrates her to watch me waste away when I have the resources to help me function at a higher functioning level and she believes I have the ability to be high functioning despite the depression, schizophrenia, ptsd, and anxiety. Now add cancer . My parents and sister are frustrated I don’t push myself to get better. I laid in bed today until almost 3:30 pm depressed and lazy. I just hoped god would take away my breath while I was lying in bed and let me die in peace.,no luck there my dad came into the room and said to get up out of bed., I just lay down and let life pass me by. All I know is I don’t want to go to a group home or any other staffed assisted facility when I leave my parents house that’s if I leave my parents house now. I could do supportive. Housing for people with mental illness which is the least restrictive. I wanted to eventually live on my own completely and take care of myself with clinicians and case managers checking fewer times on me because I reached a high level of independence. Life threw me another curve ball. Now I feel like I deserve to be on disability. I wonder if there housing communities for people with physical illnesses where they have supports but can live independently. Life really sucks….
Also my mom went overboard in contacting my sister’s therapist worried about her depression and the therapist texted my sister asking if she needed to go to the hospital because she was worried she would hurt herself. It’s been such a mess. My sister hates the dysfunction in our family especially with me. ( even before I found out about my cancer), my mother might have implied to my sister that maybe she wasn’t hired because they saw her as really skinny. I don’t think that’s what she meant to say but that’s how it came across. I wish things worked out for my sister in Tennessee. She doesn’t even want to celebrate her birthday because of feeling like a failure. She is a good person and deserves a break. Now she has to wait until August to try again for the police academy. What do you tell a young woman who is so hard on herself and did everything right. But still gets no results in her life? I feel terrible.
One thing I never wanted her to be was end up. Like me. At 33, I’m still dependent on my parents with the exception of SSI check every month that gives me an extra about $700 dollars to spare. My dad keeps some of. The money in our joint checking account in his name so I don’t go over the $2,000 limit assets in my name. Some of the money is helping towards my expenses. My sister is everything I’m not including very goal oriented and a go getter. She worries she will end up like me and who can blame her for being afraid? I’m not a great role model. I didn’t fight for what I wanted and gave up easily when obstacles came up especially in my online vocational courses, my sewing classes, and my degree programs. She is trying to be everything I’m not and it frustrates her to watch me waste away when I have the resources to help me function at a higher functioning level and she believes I have the ability to be high functioning despite the depression, schizophrenia, ptsd, and anxiety. Now add cancer . My parents and sister are frustrated I don’t push myself to get better. I laid in bed today until almost 3:30 pm depressed and lazy. I just hoped god would take away my breath while I was lying in bed and let me die in peace.,no luck there my dad came into the room and said to get up out of bed., I just lay down and let life pass me by. All I know is I don’t want to go to a group home or any other staffed assisted facility when I leave my parents house that’s if I leave my parents house now. I could do supportive. Housing for people with mental illness which is the least restrictive. I wanted to eventually live on my own completely and take care of myself with clinicians and case managers checking fewer times on me because I reached a high level of independence. Life threw me another curve ball. Now I feel like I deserve to be on disability. I wonder if there housing communities for people with physical illnesses where they have supports but can live independently. Life really sucks….
31-35, F
