binge/overeating/disordered eating disorder

hi so im struggling with binge eating and disordered eating. its been really difficult for me to live my life to the fullest. food has just taken over my life, theres not a moment in the day when i dont think about food or eating and honestly that it self is eating me alive. i litterly cant enjoy my life because i hate myself therefore i hate everyone around me and the only one i can blame all of this is me because i never learned how to deal and cope with my emotions. ever since i was young my parents were judging me in what i eat how i dress what i like and slowly i started to distance myself from my parents. i never really told them how i was feeling and i was just afraid of them of them disapproving me and that really hurt. i think i have like social anxiety because whenever i go out i just feel so nervous and anxious for no reason i feel everyone is staring at me. anyways about the binging so its been going on for i would say 5 months now ive always eaten whatever what on my plate licked it even like i knew i ate a lot of food but it didnt really bother me untill it did and then my disoreded eating began at school i woulndt eat breakfast nor lunch and at home i would just devour everything and that went on a while and then i just began realizing that i can just not eat and thats what happend my parents only and only then began to notice me and pressuring me to eat more again eversince i was a child they forced me to eat everything on my plate so i did to pleas them so now that im pressured im binging and when im alone especially thats so difficult for me because im alwasy moody i have no energy i dont know how to cope with my emotions and feeling because i was never taught that i cant talk to my parents about it i just know they wont understand and just brush it off like usual. i just dont know what to do with my life i wanna stop existing. for the past couple month ive just wanted to be alone and live alone then maybe my life would be easier because i woundt buy shit like chocolate and chips everyday. anyways im just using chat gpt but its not helping ive been binging for 2 days now i really hope it stops tomorrow.