Whenever I have a problem, I find myself wishing I had a partner and thinking about trying to reconcile with my abusive ex
He doesn't want me. Clearly doesn't. I know he's insecure and all of that but when he'd wanted me in the past, he worked for it and made it happen. I miss having him in my life but not because he was good, no. I think I just miss that pseudo-love, that fake love, I miss the idea that I had a partner, that I had someone who'll be there for me when I'm sad and give me enough affection to get back up on my feet (this is all just a fantasy. He didn't do that. Not more than once, if at all). I'm just creating fake scenarios in my head.
He was the reason for a lot of my pain. He confused the s h i t out of me, emotionally abused me, made me feel worthless, sort of cheated, dumped me and acted like I didn't matter. He did things on purpose to make me feel worthless and less than, after I was his "dream". He was horrible but I still gave a lot of affection and am now considering giving more affection and extending a helping hand in hopes he gets back into my life and gives me just a little drop of fake love
I have family problems and although I know that my mother and little sister at least love me, their love doesn't feel enough. I keep feeling like I need a stranger's love, especially a stranger man's love to feel validated and worthy... to feel that I am a decent human being. I know this is absolute crap and if I wasn't me, I would give myself a big slap across the face but I can't help how I feel. I'm not going to talk to him. If he texts me, I'll honestly probably respond and go with the flow, try to make it work again because I feel like I need some type of love to survive the bad times I'm going through these days. I guess I'm like a drug addict
In case you're wondering, we stopped talking not too long ago because he started taking forever to respond and then giving short seemingly uninterested replies, like he was just replying out of duty (not that I was bombarding him with messages or anything. I would only send one message in response to what he said) but even before that, he stopped asking how I was, stopped asking about my day, stopped... ok this hurts to write about.
From an objective point of view, this person doesn't deserve a second of my day and I know I'm better and capable of more things than he's capable of (I really wanted to help him become something and had no issue helping him become better than me). Deep down I know I deserve better. Deep down, I know I don't deserve abuse and that I should be optimistic about life and simply move on to the next thing and not spend a long time thinking about problems.... All problems have solutions. But my mind is not that strong. I don't have that amount of mental strength. I've broken down to pieces so many times to each time it becomes more difficult to get up and I just keep wondering when will it be time to exit this game? I hope when that happens, I'll at least be exiting and going somewhere better but in the mean time, I just find it really really hard to take things lightly and be all happy clappy all the time
He was the reason for a lot of my pain. He confused the s h i t out of me, emotionally abused me, made me feel worthless, sort of cheated, dumped me and acted like I didn't matter. He did things on purpose to make me feel worthless and less than, after I was his "dream". He was horrible but I still gave a lot of affection and am now considering giving more affection and extending a helping hand in hopes he gets back into my life and gives me just a little drop of fake love
I have family problems and although I know that my mother and little sister at least love me, their love doesn't feel enough. I keep feeling like I need a stranger's love, especially a stranger man's love to feel validated and worthy... to feel that I am a decent human being. I know this is absolute crap and if I wasn't me, I would give myself a big slap across the face but I can't help how I feel. I'm not going to talk to him. If he texts me, I'll honestly probably respond and go with the flow, try to make it work again because I feel like I need some type of love to survive the bad times I'm going through these days. I guess I'm like a drug addict
In case you're wondering, we stopped talking not too long ago because he started taking forever to respond and then giving short seemingly uninterested replies, like he was just replying out of duty (not that I was bombarding him with messages or anything. I would only send one message in response to what he said) but even before that, he stopped asking how I was, stopped asking about my day, stopped... ok this hurts to write about.
From an objective point of view, this person doesn't deserve a second of my day and I know I'm better and capable of more things than he's capable of (I really wanted to help him become something and had no issue helping him become better than me). Deep down I know I deserve better. Deep down, I know I don't deserve abuse and that I should be optimistic about life and simply move on to the next thing and not spend a long time thinking about problems.... All problems have solutions. But my mind is not that strong. I don't have that amount of mental strength. I've broken down to pieces so many times to each time it becomes more difficult to get up and I just keep wondering when will it be time to exit this game? I hope when that happens, I'll at least be exiting and going somewhere better but in the mean time, I just find it really really hard to take things lightly and be all happy clappy all the time
