How do i find peace ?

I lost a friendship and is my fault . Like , It was not a "Deep" connection but we sticked together for years . I have a lot of awful feelings about it , like i hate myself for being such a idiot and i keep grieving for losing someone who i knew for a lot of time . Like i kinda understand why she drifted away and i believe she has a reason ( i dont really have a notion on how bad i was bcuz i feel like my brain wants to supress these memories ) , but at the same time i feel hate towards her for leaving ?? Like , I hold a big grudge even if i am the wrong side?? I think its because i have known her for years and when i was annoying instead of telling me that i was being bad she drifted . I know she is not my mom to be obligated to correct me when i am bad , but i asked openly what was wrong and she didnt said . I was SO desperate and agonizing inside , i gave gifts and i think i pushed it too much trying to make her treat me like before . Like i was so desperate but she didnt really care to explain .Its kind of obvious I did wrong but i wanted to conpense her and be a better friend, I think thats why i felt like this . But she didnt tell me how she felt and she kept distant , and i kinda hate her because of this ( im not proud of this ) how can i move on when i feel so hateful against her and myself?