I feel like a nobody

I feel like I'm past the point of expiration. As if I wasn't meant to live past a certain point yet I'm still here.

Everything I do, feel or think seems totally pointless and just feel tired.

I'm all alone I don't have friends & even if I did I suck at keeping friendships mostly because I'm paranoid they're around me out of pity & not because they like me. I mean I have my family but I only feel like a total burden on them and honestly I always felt like I annoyed them since I was a child so I doubt they like me very much.

Not only that, lately I can't seem to control my irritability & my reactions because of that make me come off as angry all the time.

The only thing I'm truly mad at is myself for being so useless. I can't even get a job because I can't handle stress or anxiety.
It's either be at home feeling pointless like nothing or be at a job & have suicidal thoughts all the time. I'd rather feel nothing to be honest.

I can't tell anyone about what stress/anxiety does to me because I feel like they're gonna keep me under watch all the time which would absolutely suck since I like being alone most of the time.

****Before anyone tells me to get help, I'm not suicidal and I already take medication. I tried therapy but I didn't like it & didn't really help me. I'm just in a state of hating who I am right now & just feeling tired.

val70 · 51-55

Having that kind of anxiety and paranoia is more common than you think. The only advice that I can give you right now is to keep your eyes and ears open. They are plenty of people like me and you about to notice how they help themselves. I mean, of course, there are self help books and people who went through stuff. Sit down and be open to their experiences first. It isn't easy but pulling oneself out of the hole is the first thing to do. The hole is that you think that you're nothing at all. You are precious enough so make yourself feel that way too. I've been in counseling too. Only this week I told my boss that. You think that a librarian in her 50s would be feeling any better, wouldn't you? Or that people would be any more caring or thoughtful when ones gets older, etc. It's really an up hill struggle but anyone can do it. Just needs you to keep having hope :-)