Ever since my pet passed away, it made me realize how truly horrible my mental health is
I don't have anyone to vent to and I don't actively surf this site, but I just need an outlet. It's been a whole pent-up week and I feel like I'll go insane before it ends.
For some context, I lost my brother a couple of years ago and I'm still far from truly healing past the worst grief stages. Now, a couple of weeks ago, my seven-year-old cat suddenly passed away after suffering an infection in his stomach. Once he was euthanized, I was lucky it was a school break, so I had time to give to myself. However, the loss of my pet has reawakened many feelings I felt when I lost my brother, sending me down a spiral of anxiety, unsureness, and paranoia.
This week was a school week, and a pretty packed one. I'm not an extremely social person, but I do have a small circle of people I feel comfortable around, but most of the time I sit quietly alone in a group of people I could only possibly be friends with. I already have my own things to fight, alongside olympiads and concerts to finish. The first couple of days I could barely get any sleep, and worst of all, whenever I would tell someone about the loss of my cat, I would usually get a response like "time for a new cat". Something about the fact that they think a cat is so easily replaceable made me sick.
Then, bit by bit, I realized how truly alone I feel. Even though there are people I consider friends and a person I cherish like a sibling, there's nobody I have that I can turn to. I spent a couple of days crying and even now I have tears welling up in my eyes, but I have no one to talk to about my struggles. Some don't like being vented to, and others I don't want to overbear with. I'm left bottling up everything I feel and silently combusting in my room.
I'm sure several people saw and guessed I wasn't doing good, I've even mentioned several times that I'm doing awful and only one of them asked If I'm okay. I said I'm not and we sort of planned to talk about it, but it never went anywhere. I understood that I never take any of my struggles seriously because all everyone sees is me changing subjects and laughing it off.
I feel like the only thing I want right now is for someone to ask if I'm okay and just tell me to tell them. I want to be reassured that I'm not going crazy, I want to be hugged without judgment. I always do that to people and I always sacrifice my time to keep them company, but I barely have much on my own. I was always on my own.
Today my friend texted that we haven't spoken for ten hours. I explained that I'm doing awful and I'd been stressed today, all to which she just said "Uh huh, okay"
That broke me. It's what made me turn here again. I've always asked if she was willing to talk about what she's struggling with and I always try to check up on her, but it's never the other way around. It felt like everything I'd ever done before was a one-sided arrangement and now I'm back all on my own again. I'm repressing the urge to beg for her to ask me if I'm okay because I'm so desperate for that feeling of being cared for.
I'm deeply struggling. I was about to relapse back into my self-harm tendencies and alcohol intake I went through a couple of years ago, but luckily I didn't have the materials to do it.
Right now, I have no idea what to do. I barely even feel like a human person anymore.
For some context, I lost my brother a couple of years ago and I'm still far from truly healing past the worst grief stages. Now, a couple of weeks ago, my seven-year-old cat suddenly passed away after suffering an infection in his stomach. Once he was euthanized, I was lucky it was a school break, so I had time to give to myself. However, the loss of my pet has reawakened many feelings I felt when I lost my brother, sending me down a spiral of anxiety, unsureness, and paranoia.
This week was a school week, and a pretty packed one. I'm not an extremely social person, but I do have a small circle of people I feel comfortable around, but most of the time I sit quietly alone in a group of people I could only possibly be friends with. I already have my own things to fight, alongside olympiads and concerts to finish. The first couple of days I could barely get any sleep, and worst of all, whenever I would tell someone about the loss of my cat, I would usually get a response like "time for a new cat". Something about the fact that they think a cat is so easily replaceable made me sick.
Then, bit by bit, I realized how truly alone I feel. Even though there are people I consider friends and a person I cherish like a sibling, there's nobody I have that I can turn to. I spent a couple of days crying and even now I have tears welling up in my eyes, but I have no one to talk to about my struggles. Some don't like being vented to, and others I don't want to overbear with. I'm left bottling up everything I feel and silently combusting in my room.
I'm sure several people saw and guessed I wasn't doing good, I've even mentioned several times that I'm doing awful and only one of them asked If I'm okay. I said I'm not and we sort of planned to talk about it, but it never went anywhere. I understood that I never take any of my struggles seriously because all everyone sees is me changing subjects and laughing it off.
I feel like the only thing I want right now is for someone to ask if I'm okay and just tell me to tell them. I want to be reassured that I'm not going crazy, I want to be hugged without judgment. I always do that to people and I always sacrifice my time to keep them company, but I barely have much on my own. I was always on my own.
Today my friend texted that we haven't spoken for ten hours. I explained that I'm doing awful and I'd been stressed today, all to which she just said "Uh huh, okay"
That broke me. It's what made me turn here again. I've always asked if she was willing to talk about what she's struggling with and I always try to check up on her, but it's never the other way around. It felt like everything I'd ever done before was a one-sided arrangement and now I'm back all on my own again. I'm repressing the urge to beg for her to ask me if I'm okay because I'm so desperate for that feeling of being cared for.
I'm deeply struggling. I was about to relapse back into my self-harm tendencies and alcohol intake I went through a couple of years ago, but luckily I didn't have the materials to do it.
Right now, I have no idea what to do. I barely even feel like a human person anymore.
18-21
