Opening that can of worms again
Today I got a message from my sister telling me that she is inviting "everyone" to her house on Sunday. I declined, and I wasn't even nice enough to make up any excuses.
I do not know why her message got me angry (even triggered my face all red)... and I tried to understand why, because I could have just declined, end of story but I guess some things (that may or may not be true) angered me.
The fact that (I think) my sister is driven by religious motives to be a goodie goodie in doing what she believes would make our mother happy in her grave, because she believes that our mother is watching what she is doing and is going all like; you go girl, JUST ANNOYS THE HELL OUTTA ME. It is because she is deriving such satisfaction at my expense. I mean she can go do all the good things in the world with her life, and imagine all she wants that my mother is watching her every night on a big screen instead of watching Netflix, and I wouldn't bother. BUT when she starts playing the role of the "social reformer" in the family, and try to link me back to those broken relationships that burdened me my entire life, because SHE THINKS it is the "right thing" to do, then I have a problem with her fairytales.
I mean, I do not know what exactly is it that she is trying to accomplish, or the role that she is trying to play after my mother passed away.
My mother was literally the glue that BARELY held us together. She was the reason I BARELY tolerated my asshole brother, and the reason we all barely talked to each other. She was the point of contact between us when messages needed to be sent.. I mean, such messed up family relationships.. WTF does my sister think she will accomplish with that stupid lunch. I am asking this question because she never invited the entire family to lunch before when my mother way alive without an occasion, and when there was an occasion like holidays, the majority of us did not go, because we've all disliked being around each other. So when she comes now and invites us out of the blue, there must be some sort of goal behind it.🤷♀️
Which is that she took on the responsibility of playing the role of the "dumb champion" who will keep the family barely glued after my mother is gone. Basically continue my mother's mistake.
Yes, I call it a mistake.
Continuing in terribly broken relationships just because it is family is wrong. I do not know if she is trying to barely keep us glued like my mother did, or if she is REALLY THAT NAIVE to believe that she could fix those relationships at this late point, but either way, I am not fuking putting my mental health through this shit, because I was forced to before, for my mother, not now.
My being in that house took a toll on my mental health. Being forced to live with someone I actually hated (and I hardly hate people), someone who is selfish, egoistic and a coward bully (weird combination, but yes) like my brother JUST because he is my brother, was one of my worst experiences. But I didn't have much of a choice, it was how things were supposed to be. We are family, we live together, period. It was ALWAYS my mother's mere existence that forced me tolerate this shit.. I just couldn't do much knowing how irrationally she would react to it, and how much it would impact her mentally and physically. Now that I am out of this damn circle that has been going on my entire life, I have no intention of seeing my brother's smug face ever again. I also have no intention of burdening myself with being around the rest of them while I know we can't relate or connect on any level.
The fact that (I feel) that she is trying to repair such hopeless relationships that always made me miserable, at my expense, by putting me through this shit again like my mother was not enough, and that she is feeling good about herself in the process, is probably what's angering me.
The other thing that's very annoying, is when I feel she is condescending in what feels to me like a "fake understanding attitude" in the way she is dealing with my choices, as in she is trying to be the bigger person knowing what a "crazy, out of control" person I am. It is also when I feel that she knows that I have a lot of power now, and so thinks that she is being too smart trying the friendly approach with me, like I will suddenly be all close to the family, and become religious again, because hey, I just needed that fake understanding in my life, I was just a lost kid 🤷♀️. When in reality, all I need is for them to leave me the heck alone, because all I feel when any of them is keeping a fake relationship with me, is that it is just a way for them to keep tabs on me, because I just simple don't feel they are genuine interactions. It makes me wonder, how would have they controlled me, had I been less powerful.
I am not so blind or arrogant to say that I am 100% right in reading my sister's intentions or the way she thinks... I could be wrong to an extent, or maybe I am too harsh.. But I know one thing, if I am wrong, I didn't get there by myself. There is a lot of history and patterns at the back of my mind that make me resistant to trusting any of them, or to believe that any of them is actually capable of understanding boundaries and of respecting my choices as an adult and supporting me even if they don't agree. The best I could do is to be there if someone needs my help, as long as it is not at my expense. Beyond that, I do not owe anyone putting myself through the burden of maintaining shitty relationships, merely because of blood relations.
I do not know why her message got me angry (even triggered my face all red)... and I tried to understand why, because I could have just declined, end of story but I guess some things (that may or may not be true) angered me.
The fact that (I think) my sister is driven by religious motives to be a goodie goodie in doing what she believes would make our mother happy in her grave, because she believes that our mother is watching what she is doing and is going all like; you go girl, JUST ANNOYS THE HELL OUTTA ME. It is because she is deriving such satisfaction at my expense. I mean she can go do all the good things in the world with her life, and imagine all she wants that my mother is watching her every night on a big screen instead of watching Netflix, and I wouldn't bother. BUT when she starts playing the role of the "social reformer" in the family, and try to link me back to those broken relationships that burdened me my entire life, because SHE THINKS it is the "right thing" to do, then I have a problem with her fairytales.
I mean, I do not know what exactly is it that she is trying to accomplish, or the role that she is trying to play after my mother passed away.
My mother was literally the glue that BARELY held us together. She was the reason I BARELY tolerated my asshole brother, and the reason we all barely talked to each other. She was the point of contact between us when messages needed to be sent.. I mean, such messed up family relationships.. WTF does my sister think she will accomplish with that stupid lunch. I am asking this question because she never invited the entire family to lunch before when my mother way alive without an occasion, and when there was an occasion like holidays, the majority of us did not go, because we've all disliked being around each other. So when she comes now and invites us out of the blue, there must be some sort of goal behind it.🤷♀️
Which is that she took on the responsibility of playing the role of the "dumb champion" who will keep the family barely glued after my mother is gone. Basically continue my mother's mistake.
Yes, I call it a mistake.
Continuing in terribly broken relationships just because it is family is wrong. I do not know if she is trying to barely keep us glued like my mother did, or if she is REALLY THAT NAIVE to believe that she could fix those relationships at this late point, but either way, I am not fuking putting my mental health through this shit, because I was forced to before, for my mother, not now.
My being in that house took a toll on my mental health. Being forced to live with someone I actually hated (and I hardly hate people), someone who is selfish, egoistic and a coward bully (weird combination, but yes) like my brother JUST because he is my brother, was one of my worst experiences. But I didn't have much of a choice, it was how things were supposed to be. We are family, we live together, period. It was ALWAYS my mother's mere existence that forced me tolerate this shit.. I just couldn't do much knowing how irrationally she would react to it, and how much it would impact her mentally and physically. Now that I am out of this damn circle that has been going on my entire life, I have no intention of seeing my brother's smug face ever again. I also have no intention of burdening myself with being around the rest of them while I know we can't relate or connect on any level.
The fact that (I feel) that she is trying to repair such hopeless relationships that always made me miserable, at my expense, by putting me through this shit again like my mother was not enough, and that she is feeling good about herself in the process, is probably what's angering me.
The other thing that's very annoying, is when I feel she is condescending in what feels to me like a "fake understanding attitude" in the way she is dealing with my choices, as in she is trying to be the bigger person knowing what a "crazy, out of control" person I am. It is also when I feel that she knows that I have a lot of power now, and so thinks that she is being too smart trying the friendly approach with me, like I will suddenly be all close to the family, and become religious again, because hey, I just needed that fake understanding in my life, I was just a lost kid 🤷♀️. When in reality, all I need is for them to leave me the heck alone, because all I feel when any of them is keeping a fake relationship with me, is that it is just a way for them to keep tabs on me, because I just simple don't feel they are genuine interactions. It makes me wonder, how would have they controlled me, had I been less powerful.
I am not so blind or arrogant to say that I am 100% right in reading my sister's intentions or the way she thinks... I could be wrong to an extent, or maybe I am too harsh.. But I know one thing, if I am wrong, I didn't get there by myself. There is a lot of history and patterns at the back of my mind that make me resistant to trusting any of them, or to believe that any of them is actually capable of understanding boundaries and of respecting my choices as an adult and supporting me even if they don't agree. The best I could do is to be there if someone needs my help, as long as it is not at my expense. Beyond that, I do not owe anyone putting myself through the burden of maintaining shitty relationships, merely because of blood relations.
31-35, F
