I know I'll be someone's queen someday and I know some people on here have a crush on me and wish to know me but I'm just not ready I'm trapped behind

My trauma. I want to be free and I know only I can do that but it's becoming to heavy I'm starting to think when my fiancé died he took my half with me and I haven't been the same since. It just makes me cry because I want to change but I'm so afraid of change I feel trapped in my head and my heart is too heavy I feel like I'm carrying this 3000b boulder by myself and everyone is just watching me but I'm choosing to push people away because this is my stress and anxiety it shouldn't be other peoples problems