The struggle of success.
I know I have some issues that aren’t healthy or conducive to good relationships. I was cognizant of that fact by the time I had children and, as I think is common, made efforts to avoid igniting those same issues in my own. Each new generation gets all new issues. 😂👍
The interesting part is that you think when you achieve what you set out to do, it will be all good. Is it ever? Maybe sometimes. Once in a while. But mostly I’m reminded again and again and again of the balance that permeates basic existence. The great gift and the great challenge. Every free lunch is a cheap hot dog that takes a year off your life. 🤣
I want to hide. I want to be invisible, go unnoticed. I will smother who I am to do this. The closest thing to a coping mechanism I have for this is to shut out the people around me so I can do what I need to do, laugh out loud, ask a question, give a presentation, experience peace and enjoyment or basically anything other than fear and trepidation when I am not alone or only with those few precious souls I manage to be mostly comfortable with. And as I set out to attempt, my children are not afflicted with this nonsense. They’re good communicators, true to themselves. Nothing is beyond their reach. They don’t seek confrontation, but they will stand up for themselves and give walking papers to anyone who can’t respect them. I admire them endlessly. My pride is beyond words.
And I choke on my fear every time they step out into the light. My chest constricts every time they say something I could never say. When the personal truth they live feels risky to me, I want nothing more than to hold them close and safe and quiet and invisible. Sshhhh. Let the big bad world pass us by. Even knowing that is life without living, I cannot stop that wave from swelling up in me. And I bite my tongue. I keep my hands at my sides. I explain what I’m feeling so they don’t misunderstand my reaction as a displeasure that has anything to do with them. They know my pride. They know my admiration. And for their sakes, they know my humanness. My flaws, weaknesses, struggles. I will not hide those and let them take on that weight. It makes me think of icebergs. I saw the peak of what I wanted to see, but it was more like what was drowning had to push it up out of the water and hold it there. Life is certainly never dull.
The interesting part is that you think when you achieve what you set out to do, it will be all good. Is it ever? Maybe sometimes. Once in a while. But mostly I’m reminded again and again and again of the balance that permeates basic existence. The great gift and the great challenge. Every free lunch is a cheap hot dog that takes a year off your life. 🤣
I want to hide. I want to be invisible, go unnoticed. I will smother who I am to do this. The closest thing to a coping mechanism I have for this is to shut out the people around me so I can do what I need to do, laugh out loud, ask a question, give a presentation, experience peace and enjoyment or basically anything other than fear and trepidation when I am not alone or only with those few precious souls I manage to be mostly comfortable with. And as I set out to attempt, my children are not afflicted with this nonsense. They’re good communicators, true to themselves. Nothing is beyond their reach. They don’t seek confrontation, but they will stand up for themselves and give walking papers to anyone who can’t respect them. I admire them endlessly. My pride is beyond words.
And I choke on my fear every time they step out into the light. My chest constricts every time they say something I could never say. When the personal truth they live feels risky to me, I want nothing more than to hold them close and safe and quiet and invisible. Sshhhh. Let the big bad world pass us by. Even knowing that is life without living, I cannot stop that wave from swelling up in me. And I bite my tongue. I keep my hands at my sides. I explain what I’m feeling so they don’t misunderstand my reaction as a displeasure that has anything to do with them. They know my pride. They know my admiration. And for their sakes, they know my humanness. My flaws, weaknesses, struggles. I will not hide those and let them take on that weight. It makes me think of icebergs. I saw the peak of what I wanted to see, but it was more like what was drowning had to push it up out of the water and hold it there. Life is certainly never dull.
