I Have Something to Say
I'm so successful.. at hurting people I like. I just, say the wrong things, too often recently.
Just, little things that offend, and I don't realise. I always feel horrible, genuinely horrible, for what I do.
When I realise it - either by reliving the situation or my victims coming out - I will mentally beat myself up.
But now I question, why I feel horrible, if I do it so often? Obviously a mental bashing doesn't get the message across.
Maybe a part of me secretly enjoys tormenting them?
Maybe I want an excuse to mentally kill myself?
Or maybe I just want an excuse for others to have pity on me so I don't feel bad anymore?
I have no idea. But a part of me wants to learn, wants to be better than this.
But.. it means I have to do my best to not act subconsciously, otherwise I'll just end back here.
And that is the most difficult task of all, right now.
Just, little things that offend, and I don't realise. I always feel horrible, genuinely horrible, for what I do.
When I realise it - either by reliving the situation or my victims coming out - I will mentally beat myself up.
But now I question, why I feel horrible, if I do it so often? Obviously a mental bashing doesn't get the message across.
Maybe a part of me secretly enjoys tormenting them?
Maybe I want an excuse to mentally kill myself?
Or maybe I just want an excuse for others to have pity on me so I don't feel bad anymore?
I have no idea. But a part of me wants to learn, wants to be better than this.
But.. it means I have to do my best to not act subconsciously, otherwise I'll just end back here.
And that is the most difficult task of all, right now.
