I've Made Mistakes In Life
I grew up being very depressed and lonely. I fell into drugs because that's how I learned to connect with people. I really always just wanted to get and give love - to friends and a female romantic partner. I had plans of being a father my entire life, and I always wanted to be there to help, provide, teach, and create a great life for me and my loved ones.
However, the world is not good. People are not good. People are not helpful, and people take advantage of others as often as possible, they even create business, and situations that are DESIGNED to trap people, and take advantage of them continuously.
Apparently this is capitalism? Yet it seems only vicious and awful at the very bottom level - but that's where you're forced to be if you don't have any money.
While being raised, I was told to be kind and generous - to live by the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I lived a long time like that, being the very best of friends, loyal, dependable, honest, and just a good-guy. If I see someone drop money out of their pocket, I alert them to their error; regardless of what they look like, or if they are a friend of mine or not. I hold the door for people, I let people in during traffic, I let older people go first if we are waiting, I behave in a way that my parents - if they were looking at me from a distance - that they would always make my parents proud.
Yet - I am unreasonably lonely. People have hurt me during my life, by NOT living up to the standards that I provide, and therefore also expect.
People only care about themselves, and money has become the symbol of this. Money can purchase anything, and so it has become, essentially, the most important thing to everyone in USA.
I am very smart. I have never had to try in school - I earned my bachelors without much studying - I intended on becoming a pharmacist, and I was earning the marks necessary to gain entrance to that career. If I had been told I needed better marks at any point - I could have earned them easily. But, I pretty much didn't make it because of bad luck, well beyond my control. (Because of a girl not stamping a form [2008], then the economic collapse [2009], and finally because nobody with money cares about me at all {I could have borrowed the money, if I hadn't had to borrow the money for undergraduate college - then I was forced into the year off, because the economic collapse; and I wasn't able to pay the student loans back, so they wouldn't give me new ones. But my job right out of college was a cashier - less than $9/hour - and I barely could afford rent and food, so college debt was last on the list. Plus, it does bother me that I earned this bachelor's degree and doing that - actually made me WORTH LESS IN THE EMPLOYMENT FIELD? Because of my now bad credit, I cannot get many jobs - so I cannot FIX the bad credit. great system...} because if someone did - they could have earned themselves money, saved my LIFE, and helped me actually succeed - instead of falling through the cracks.
So I don't know what to do. I wish I could just hit 'reset' on my finances. Hell, I'd even give up my college degree to get to be worth NOTHING. It makes me feel BEYOND WORTHLESS that any bum I drive by, is technically worth more than I am. I spent money borrowed on education - and successfully earned that education - and it STILL RUINED my life. I was a heroin junkie before going back to college and earning my degree. I was so proud of myself, for turning everything around, and earning such a difficult prize.
Yet, I was better off selling drugs and being a junkie, than borrowing money to go to college. I just don't know what to do. It's like my life is just so F'd, what's the point of even trying anymore? I will never get to own my own home, or have a nice wife that's honest and kind, or be able to raise a little boy and/or a little girl. My lessons learned will all be just for myself, and the truths I have seen through the fog of this world - are all going to die with me.
I could write, and share my thoughts and emotions - but I feel like that's all I have left. It's special to me, and I think I'm very thoughtful, and that my ideas are good and worthy. Yet, if I am not rewarded in any fashion during life - I feel kind of childish. I don't WANT to help and add to a culture or a society that chooses to only take advantage of me, and abuse me.
People have decided I am worth less than $300... I had no idea, but even after all the investments into education I have made, all of the difficulties I have managed to overcome, all of the efforts into building myself into a better person - have all been for naught.
It's just so sad. I don't know why I am even in this world. Is the purpose of life to suffer? Should I then dedicate myself to increasing the suffering of those who unjustly seem to dodge it? That seems to be where fate and destiny are pushing me. I WANT to be a good person, and an addition to society. But, I REFUSE to be taken advantage of my entire life, and never rewarded for my efforts.
It's unfortunate. I feel I could have been such a plus to this world, but it's more interested in taking what little I have - right at first - instead of letting me get going, and taking from some of my success.
Whatever
However, the world is not good. People are not good. People are not helpful, and people take advantage of others as often as possible, they even create business, and situations that are DESIGNED to trap people, and take advantage of them continuously.
Apparently this is capitalism? Yet it seems only vicious and awful at the very bottom level - but that's where you're forced to be if you don't have any money.
While being raised, I was told to be kind and generous - to live by the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I lived a long time like that, being the very best of friends, loyal, dependable, honest, and just a good-guy. If I see someone drop money out of their pocket, I alert them to their error; regardless of what they look like, or if they are a friend of mine or not. I hold the door for people, I let people in during traffic, I let older people go first if we are waiting, I behave in a way that my parents - if they were looking at me from a distance - that they would always make my parents proud.
Yet - I am unreasonably lonely. People have hurt me during my life, by NOT living up to the standards that I provide, and therefore also expect.
People only care about themselves, and money has become the symbol of this. Money can purchase anything, and so it has become, essentially, the most important thing to everyone in USA.
I am very smart. I have never had to try in school - I earned my bachelors without much studying - I intended on becoming a pharmacist, and I was earning the marks necessary to gain entrance to that career. If I had been told I needed better marks at any point - I could have earned them easily. But, I pretty much didn't make it because of bad luck, well beyond my control. (Because of a girl not stamping a form [2008], then the economic collapse [2009], and finally because nobody with money cares about me at all {I could have borrowed the money, if I hadn't had to borrow the money for undergraduate college - then I was forced into the year off, because the economic collapse; and I wasn't able to pay the student loans back, so they wouldn't give me new ones. But my job right out of college was a cashier - less than $9/hour - and I barely could afford rent and food, so college debt was last on the list. Plus, it does bother me that I earned this bachelor's degree and doing that - actually made me WORTH LESS IN THE EMPLOYMENT FIELD? Because of my now bad credit, I cannot get many jobs - so I cannot FIX the bad credit. great system...} because if someone did - they could have earned themselves money, saved my LIFE, and helped me actually succeed - instead of falling through the cracks.
So I don't know what to do. I wish I could just hit 'reset' on my finances. Hell, I'd even give up my college degree to get to be worth NOTHING. It makes me feel BEYOND WORTHLESS that any bum I drive by, is technically worth more than I am. I spent money borrowed on education - and successfully earned that education - and it STILL RUINED my life. I was a heroin junkie before going back to college and earning my degree. I was so proud of myself, for turning everything around, and earning such a difficult prize.
Yet, I was better off selling drugs and being a junkie, than borrowing money to go to college. I just don't know what to do. It's like my life is just so F'd, what's the point of even trying anymore? I will never get to own my own home, or have a nice wife that's honest and kind, or be able to raise a little boy and/or a little girl. My lessons learned will all be just for myself, and the truths I have seen through the fog of this world - are all going to die with me.
I could write, and share my thoughts and emotions - but I feel like that's all I have left. It's special to me, and I think I'm very thoughtful, and that my ideas are good and worthy. Yet, if I am not rewarded in any fashion during life - I feel kind of childish. I don't WANT to help and add to a culture or a society that chooses to only take advantage of me, and abuse me.
People have decided I am worth less than $300... I had no idea, but even after all the investments into education I have made, all of the difficulties I have managed to overcome, all of the efforts into building myself into a better person - have all been for naught.
It's just so sad. I don't know why I am even in this world. Is the purpose of life to suffer? Should I then dedicate myself to increasing the suffering of those who unjustly seem to dodge it? That seems to be where fate and destiny are pushing me. I WANT to be a good person, and an addition to society. But, I REFUSE to be taken advantage of my entire life, and never rewarded for my efforts.
It's unfortunate. I feel I could have been such a plus to this world, but it's more interested in taking what little I have - right at first - instead of letting me get going, and taking from some of my success.
Whatever
