I think I do believe in god or at least something

I've had experiences where I've spoken to dead family members in dreams, watched them paint, and had a clairvoyant tell my mother the same thing only for me to tell her and then she told me after the fact so I'd have no way of knowing.

That and I think when I'm about to die and in certain moments I do believe in something, like I expect it on a subconscious level. I think it's just covered and repressed due to the current post modernist culture of beliefs regarding god/a version of god etc.

But yeah I think the idea that when you die you're basically just garbage sucks hahaha. I've taken DMT and seen things and felt things that are just too sensical for what they are, a sense of belonging and familiararity like a child would with the beyond, a sense of trust and purpose that I remember. It's lost on modern people in a very real sense.

I don't think organised religion as it is matters too much but I think there is a real loss when you believe in nothing. It doesn't make sense to me because I've felt it and I know it and no post modern deconstruction can explain it. I feel like people lost a sense of community, it still exists in other forms but I think remembering what matters is fruitful for everybody.