The one I am most dreading to judge

Lucifer. What a tangled mess of I don't want to know what.

This is all I know about him for absolutely certain. He was a part of myself I separated from because it had the painful memories of my creation of origin, wherever I came from. He is a spirit of time at his core.

But this made me realize. I don't really know what came before. I have like a few snippets of the vaguest memories and that is it.

And I realized.....I don't really know what came before. But Lucifer does. And Lucifer was always so scared, never trusted anyone, was always worrying....and then he ended up just being so so evil. I can't figure him out. What does he know?? Everyone was always asking me for the truth about existence, about some overarching grand design. But I never knew. I was being completely honest. But. What if Lucifer does know something like that? And if he does, why was it so bad I needed to separate myself from it in that way?

Also, Lucifer is just really scary to start examining because of who he is. He is truly the smartest spirit. The most clever. This makes it so stressful interacting with him. He knows me very well. Maybe even the most well of any other spirit. Because I loved him. I realize that now. That side of me was repressed by Michael. I was not supposed to feel sexual or romantic towards anything (except him) basically. So I told myself I didn't feel that way towards my creations and other spirits. But that's not true. I had romantic feelings like anyone else. I had sexual attraction like anyone else. I was in love with Lucifer. And he knew....but I don't know if he loved me back or not. And I know for certain he used me being in love with him against me.

I also know I was not the one to initiate sex with him-he did with me the first time. But I was consenting, because I was into him. But I know now that he did that because he was the first one to figure out that I was the creator. Before I even realized it myself. And he didn't tell me. He knew but didn't tell me. Because he wanted to manipulate me.....because.....sex is how I create things. If I want to create anything, I have to have sex, I am now suspecting.....this was repressed from me. And he wanted something from me, he wanted me to create something. He didn't just seduce me because he wanted to have sex with me, he never acts on his feelings alone, there is always another reason. He wanted me to create something.

After it happened, I knew he was different. Changed. Corrupted. But I was in denial because I loved him.

Oh. I know what he wanted. I know what he did. I know why he was corrupted. Oh Lucifer. 😞😞😞 He was cursing himself and didn't even know. I am understanding more now. A lot more.

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Ananke · 26-30, F

Ah. I see now. What he wanted. What was created. I understand why he is called my "light". Because he wanted to reveal the darkness to me. Oh. He did love me. He really did genuinely love me. That is painful. That is so painful.

One of Lucifer's powers is to know everybody's secrets, everybody's shame. I always wondered about this. Why the hell did he have these particular abilities? How did he develop them? That is what he wanted.

Lucifer never trusted anyone. Because he knew more than me, was more experienced and "street smart" than me, due to the memories he had. He knew that every single being was capable of being dangerous, evil.

But I....was not like that. I was naieve. Gullible. Trusting. Loving. I just gave everyone the benefit of the doubt because I wanted to believe they were good and had good intentions like they claimed. And.....I was always getting hurt because of it. Badly. And used. And manipulated. Over and over and over. And I didn't realize. I didn't understand. Lucifer wanted me to see, to see things for what they were. Because he wanted to keep me safe. He wanted to protect me.

But somehow his desire to be my "light" that reveals the darkness just turned into him suddenly being constantly aware of everyone's secrets, shame, and the worst possible stuff about them they were hiding. Which began the barrage of him constantly being drowned in the worst of everything until he became lost in it. He was always trying to warn me about bad spirits like Michael and I just didn't listen to him and thought he was a worrywart.

Again, this does not mean he is actually a "good guy". He is still very sick. He is still very corrupt right now. He is evil evil evil because of it. But. I still feel sad for him. I can't help it.

Ananke · 26-30, F

Another huge risk of me judging him is tied into my feelings for him. I loved him, he was my best friend, I was in love with him, I grew up with him. He was my childhood best friend turned lover.

I still have those feelings for him after all this time. So I have to fight my feelings and remind myself he is not who he was anymore. Or who I thought he was anyways.

I always want to listen to him, I am drawn to him more than any of the others. Because of my history with him. It's painful. I've cried.

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