Confession time
I realize more now. Because the human spirit was suspicious of what I wrote. She said it sounded like my own propaganda.
It was really hard but I realized the truth of it. Those "creations" of mine that I rejected and didn't allow to incarnate? They aren't my children. They are parts of me. I didn't intentionally create any of them. I "divorced" each of them from myself to both hide from myself the mistakes I made as them and the pain I both caused and experienced as a result. Each and every one of them was a different "attempt" of mine to be "God". It was different roles I tried out throughout history. Different kinds of relationships I tried with my creations. But for whichever reason I determined they were not "good" so I sent those parts away from myself to "die" and not be a part of God anymore. Because they were "dangerous" and "bad".
But all divorcing them like that did was hinder my progress. Instead of learning from my mistakes and adapting and growing, I sought to just....get rid of every "bad" thing about myself I didn't like and pretend like it wasn't me.
I was right in my original judgement. None of them are truly bad. But they are playing "God" when they shouldn't be, because they are not God. They are just fractured pieces or aspects of God. Just like I am.
I understand now. I am just another aspect of God too. I'm not full "God" either. I am God's creative spark. And here is the truth about me that I realized-as a creation spirit, I do not really qualify to play the role of "God" either! Because like everyone else I am just one aspect of God! And that is why I am problematic like the rest of them. I'm not bad, but creation spirits are chaotic by nature. We are impulsive and whimsical and playful. And flirtatious. We aren't really supposed to take the reigns and direct everything because we don't understand how to do so-we just know how to create.
I realize now that "God" true "God".....is the soul. I think right now I am in the process of creating my "final self". I am selecting what I like and don't like about myself as I grow and putting all the things I thought were truly beneficient to creation and "good" traits of God together as a sort of program for myself to follow. Access to the full story. Love. Etc. So all the different developing parts of me now could remember those basic most important lessons I had learned about being God, up to that point anyways
I understand now that if a part of myself exists that I don't like, I shouldn't just get rid of it and try to cover it up and suppress it. Instead, I should learn how to live with it. Because like I said, not all those parts of myself are all bad, and they have valuable lessons to teach me. I don't want to merge with them and give them souls because I don't want to remember all the terrible things I did. I don't want to face them. And I am scared of what they did to creation, and me. I am scared history will repeat itself if I take them back. But I have to. I have to learn to work with every part of myself, not just try to get rid of the parts that are complicated. I am judging myself. I am not judging creation. I am judging myself right now.
I understand Lilith too. Lilith was the product of me attempting to shape my creative spark into what I wanted it to be. I knew my creative spark was extremely dangerous because she was so chaotic and impulsive. I wanted to control her somehow and make her be better, make her behave, make her "submit." But I didn't understand that this was IMPOSSIBLE-all I was doing was torturing her until she would dissociate too and split off from the parts of herself I told her were "bad." The "good" parts of her (the "human spirit" she is with now) were allowed to incarnate and given a chance at being God's new iteration of creative spark. Hopefully a better version. But I realized that my creative spark is just what she is. I don't have to change her. But I still realized she was very dangerous. I realized I didn't understand well enough what I was doing to work with her and guide her properly.
Here was my biggest disconnect, that made everything fail over and over-I did not understand the perspective of my creations. I would do things over and over again that in my opinion made sense and were cool or fun or interesting. And over and over again my creations would suffer as a result. I would be affectionate with them and they would tell me I was tempting them. I would try to entertain them with wild displays of my raw power-but it just scared them. I tried giving them whatever they wanted and indulging and pleasing them, but it just corrupted them. I tried so many different kinds of relationships with my creations, but no matter what I did I always got it wrong. So I realized-I had to BECOME one of my creations. I had to experience things for myself. So I could understand better how to be the best "God" to them and stop just hurting and scaring them all the time. It changed everything. That was one of the other reasons I became human originally.
My creative spark I no longer wanted to torment or change-but I had to divorce her from me and keep her separate. Because I didn't understand how to work with her appropriately yet and it was resulting in bad things. So I decided to keep her at a distance until I did learn how to work with her. I wanted to keep a connection with her, she was not like all the other rejected parts of myself, I didn't want her to die, I just had to keep her "separate" from me for a time for the good of creation. And for her own good. So I did not abuse her. But those rejected parts of myself didn't have access to the full story and all of our full understanding-so they continued to try to abuse and control and change and edit her the entire time. I realize now that she needs to come back to me so I can protect that part of myself. But I am still learning how to work with her best right now so that she is not just.....very dangerous. And she has a lot of her own healing to do because she has been so "edited".
I understand what I need to do now. I need to re-accept all those rejected parts of myself so I can remember my mistakes and learn from them and adapt. And then when those parts of myself are no longer trying to play "God" and meddling, the system will run as it should, and I can continue to learn properly how to manage things.
I think that is closer to the actual truth. I was lying to myself before because it was too painful. Because I do love my creations. So I hated that I caused them pain and suffering over and over. I always just wanted to be better.
It was really hard but I realized the truth of it. Those "creations" of mine that I rejected and didn't allow to incarnate? They aren't my children. They are parts of me. I didn't intentionally create any of them. I "divorced" each of them from myself to both hide from myself the mistakes I made as them and the pain I both caused and experienced as a result. Each and every one of them was a different "attempt" of mine to be "God". It was different roles I tried out throughout history. Different kinds of relationships I tried with my creations. But for whichever reason I determined they were not "good" so I sent those parts away from myself to "die" and not be a part of God anymore. Because they were "dangerous" and "bad".
But all divorcing them like that did was hinder my progress. Instead of learning from my mistakes and adapting and growing, I sought to just....get rid of every "bad" thing about myself I didn't like and pretend like it wasn't me.
I was right in my original judgement. None of them are truly bad. But they are playing "God" when they shouldn't be, because they are not God. They are just fractured pieces or aspects of God. Just like I am.
I understand now. I am just another aspect of God too. I'm not full "God" either. I am God's creative spark. And here is the truth about me that I realized-as a creation spirit, I do not really qualify to play the role of "God" either! Because like everyone else I am just one aspect of God! And that is why I am problematic like the rest of them. I'm not bad, but creation spirits are chaotic by nature. We are impulsive and whimsical and playful. And flirtatious. We aren't really supposed to take the reigns and direct everything because we don't understand how to do so-we just know how to create.
I realize now that "God" true "God".....is the soul. I think right now I am in the process of creating my "final self". I am selecting what I like and don't like about myself as I grow and putting all the things I thought were truly beneficient to creation and "good" traits of God together as a sort of program for myself to follow. Access to the full story. Love. Etc. So all the different developing parts of me now could remember those basic most important lessons I had learned about being God, up to that point anyways
I understand now that if a part of myself exists that I don't like, I shouldn't just get rid of it and try to cover it up and suppress it. Instead, I should learn how to live with it. Because like I said, not all those parts of myself are all bad, and they have valuable lessons to teach me. I don't want to merge with them and give them souls because I don't want to remember all the terrible things I did. I don't want to face them. And I am scared of what they did to creation, and me. I am scared history will repeat itself if I take them back. But I have to. I have to learn to work with every part of myself, not just try to get rid of the parts that are complicated. I am judging myself. I am not judging creation. I am judging myself right now.
I understand Lilith too. Lilith was the product of me attempting to shape my creative spark into what I wanted it to be. I knew my creative spark was extremely dangerous because she was so chaotic and impulsive. I wanted to control her somehow and make her be better, make her behave, make her "submit." But I didn't understand that this was IMPOSSIBLE-all I was doing was torturing her until she would dissociate too and split off from the parts of herself I told her were "bad." The "good" parts of her (the "human spirit" she is with now) were allowed to incarnate and given a chance at being God's new iteration of creative spark. Hopefully a better version. But I realized that my creative spark is just what she is. I don't have to change her. But I still realized she was very dangerous. I realized I didn't understand well enough what I was doing to work with her and guide her properly.
Here was my biggest disconnect, that made everything fail over and over-I did not understand the perspective of my creations. I would do things over and over again that in my opinion made sense and were cool or fun or interesting. And over and over again my creations would suffer as a result. I would be affectionate with them and they would tell me I was tempting them. I would try to entertain them with wild displays of my raw power-but it just scared them. I tried giving them whatever they wanted and indulging and pleasing them, but it just corrupted them. I tried so many different kinds of relationships with my creations, but no matter what I did I always got it wrong. So I realized-I had to BECOME one of my creations. I had to experience things for myself. So I could understand better how to be the best "God" to them and stop just hurting and scaring them all the time. It changed everything. That was one of the other reasons I became human originally.
My creative spark I no longer wanted to torment or change-but I had to divorce her from me and keep her separate. Because I didn't understand how to work with her appropriately yet and it was resulting in bad things. So I decided to keep her at a distance until I did learn how to work with her. I wanted to keep a connection with her, she was not like all the other rejected parts of myself, I didn't want her to die, I just had to keep her "separate" from me for a time for the good of creation. And for her own good. So I did not abuse her. But those rejected parts of myself didn't have access to the full story and all of our full understanding-so they continued to try to abuse and control and change and edit her the entire time. I realize now that she needs to come back to me so I can protect that part of myself. But I am still learning how to work with her best right now so that she is not just.....very dangerous. And she has a lot of her own healing to do because she has been so "edited".
I understand what I need to do now. I need to re-accept all those rejected parts of myself so I can remember my mistakes and learn from them and adapt. And then when those parts of myself are no longer trying to play "God" and meddling, the system will run as it should, and I can continue to learn properly how to manage things.
I think that is closer to the actual truth. I was lying to myself before because it was too painful. Because I do love my creations. So I hated that I caused them pain and suffering over and over. I always just wanted to be better.
26-30, F