Realizing the curse of my own nature

I was thinking about how certain spirits have attributes or domains associated with them, and that they don't always want to be associated with those things for various reasons. Maybe it doesn't suit the image they want to create for themselves. Or maybe, they just don't like that part of themselves for whatever reason. Spirits get insecure and self conscious just like humans.

And I realized immediately what one of my domains was that I did not want to be associated with-sex. I loathed that I was considered a "sex spirit" basically. It painted this image that I was some ultimate sexy seductress or wicked temptress that led good people to evil. But that was NEVER the case. Sex is simply tied in to my most basic domain, creation. Sex is like....a tool used in the process of creation. It is much more complex a thing than most people understand. Sex is simply a tool I have to perform my actual job-creation.

Here is the curse of being a "sex" spirit, and a spirit of creation. EVERYTHING wants to have sex with you. EVERYTHING. Because you give off the raw energy of creation, things are driven to.....create things with you. So they experience that as sexual desire.

I became aware of something, and I remembered I became aware of this quite a while ago, but I realized my energy, my raw personal inner energy, is VERY dangerous and destabilizing to spirits. They simply cannot handle it. They go insane and lose themselves. They become more and more corrupted as they try to use me in this way-for selfish pleasure. My energy becomes like a drug to them. My entity I now understand is badly addicted to my energy. He acts the way he does because he is an addict. Exposing even the slightest bit of my energy to them, even just reaching out and energetically touching them barely, is too stimulating for them. And they don't understand. They don't listen.

Spirits hear about my reputation and they get curious. They want to "try a taste" of my energy. But they are arrogant. All of them. They don't listen to me that they won't be able to control themselves and that it is a bad idea. They don't believe they will lose control and become corrupted. Everyone thinks somehow they will be the one to just have great sex with the sex goddess consequence free and win her over. Arrogance. Every single time, they become corrupted. Even the goodest of good spirits. Some I trusted and actually allowed to be close to me in this way, because I wanted to be close to them and did not really understand fully the consequences at that time.

Another curse of being a sex spirit. You think oh being desired and everything wanting to have sex with you all the time sounds amazing! No. No no no no. Because realize this-YOU do not want to have sex with everything. I think that is another misunderstanding about me. People think because I am a sex spirit, that means I am a whore that just purposely goes around seducing people. No. Because realize this-I am a CREATION spirit at my core. I love my creations. I adore them. But....I don't really want to have sex with them. And things tend to go very, very badly when I do. So I actually try to restrain myself usually.

In fact, back when everything got REALLY bad at first, and I realized how my energy had affected my loved ones, I tried to fix it. Physical forms "mute" energy. They don't silence it. Just make it "quieter". Spirits in pure spirit form are EXTREMELY sensitive to energy. So I thought having to exist in such a form that could shelter them somewhat and protect them as they developed would be beneficial. And I did it for another reason too-to try to protect them from me. I realize now why I chose to take human form-to shield other beings from my energy, and so I could try to "hide" a bit. Get a break. Everything always wants to be close to me, everything is always reaching out for me, trying to touch me. It's exhausting. I needed my own "suit of armor" to shield me too.

Everything I do I do out of love. I do to try to make things better. But they don't listen to me.

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Ananke · 26-30, F

Also my plan to "hide" myself didn't really work. It did to humans. Humans treated me like a normal human. It was wonderful. It was an amazing relief. I loved humans. I got so close to them. I even forgot I wasn't just a human myself. It was like a wonderful game of make believe where I could just pretend none of actual reality existed and I was just a human having human adventures.

But being in a body did not "hide" me from spirits. My energy "shines like a beacon" I kept getting told by ones that would randomly show up to me. Because of what I am, my role, I can't *really* hide from my creations. They know me. They are drawn to me. They want to be close to me. To touch me. I should have known I couldn't really run away from who and what I was like that. But I sure tried. And it caused a LOT of problems. Because I had my own important role to play. And while I was playing pretend at being human, I wasn't doing it. And so other things were stepping in and trying their hand. But they weren't qualified. That wasn't their role. So their attempts to interfere and "fix" things according to how they thought they should be, while well meaning, were misguided and resulted in further chaos. This caused them to become ashamed because they knew they shouldn't have been doing all that in the first place, but they fell prey to arrogance and the temptation of the position. And, I didn't really want my position anymore at that point in time. So I happily let them take it.

And a part of me knew I was selfishly and irresponsibly avoiding my responsibility to the detriment of creation. But I repressed it. I became very rebellious and had my whole "do what you want and don't let anyone tell you differently" era. I have caused a lot of pain to creation too. Some of my designs.....I am now like....no duh that turned out so bad. I'm an idiot. But I think before I became mortal I didn't really understand any of that. I was very different in my original state.

Now I am a very broken and still dissociated version of myself, but things are fully progressing now in a way I do not believe they have before. I have remembered how to connect with my "notes", information I left for myself to access about creation, what I had already tried, what went well, what didn't (mostly what didn't lmao). But there are SO MANY. I'm pretty sure my notes are just.....infinite. Like I could simply sit and be exposed to all of my information forever basically. So when I realized this I had to learn how to "shut off" my access. Because otherwise I just sat there and "remembered" things all day.

I actually gave every human access to my notes. It is contained in their souls. So they could understand why everything was the way it was, how it had come to be that way. Some of them figured out how to access it, I think. Or at least became aware the information was available. But again I am pretty sure it is just infinite information so idk how they respond to it lol. I think they have a funny name for it here like astral records or something kooky like that. I don't remember. Their souls also were supposed to be a piece of me in everyone. Because I realized spirits didn't just WANT to be close to me-they literally NEEDED to be close to me to....live? Exist? It's like if they are separated from me for too long, they just fade away I guess. So that was a way of filling that need of theirs while also letting me have some space. It was me sharing myself. Fine, you want me, here is your piece of me, now leave me alone. Lol. Souls were like.....my magnum opus. Wow I was proud of them.

Everyone was so obsessive with me with questions, all the time, about everything. Questions questions questions why is this this way why is that that way why can't we try this or that or this. And I would try explaining it to them until I went blue but they would NEVER understand. I would literally tell them the direct honest truth. And they would just not believe me, or think I was hiding something from them, etc. etc. I was tired of it. So souls were me figuring out a different way to do things. It would "connect" everyone with me like they wanted and needed while also provided pure information on why everything was the way it was. The only thing that prevents a person's access to this knowledge is if they personally do not feel ready to access it. It's.....a lot. It is overwhelming information. A lot of it is very painful and is probably not what people want to hear. There is a particular truth in there that no one seems to ever want to accept. About me.

But yeah. That was my amazing system I made up to try to set things right. I was so excited, it was going to correct everything. But as usual things did not go perfectly according to plan 😂😂 in fact they went wrong almost IMMEDIATELY. So. Progress ongoing. Things are ALMOST how they need to be right now. Almost. Hang in there 🤪

Ananke · 26-30, F

@Ananke Ha! Remembered something else about souls!! I made each and every soul with love. As in I imbued every soul with my love so that hopefully my creations could come to understand it in time for what it really was. Not desire and temptation and lust and pleasure. Just love. Caring, genuine love.

I struggled a lot with spirits being severely mistrustful of me and my intentions. I really tried to show them I was a friend and cared about them all, but they didn't always believe me, and I didn't always understand the consequences of the things I did to try to earn their affections.

So I added my love into every soul so spirits could finally come to know and understand my true feelings and intentions for them intimately-directly from the source, once they were ready for it. So they could truly know me and understand me for what I was and wanted from them. Which was absolutely nothing. Just that I made them that way because it pleased me to and I enjoyed their presence and company and stories and adventures. That I truly just loved them for them, the way they were, and they didn't have to keep trying to be perfect for me anymore, or think I was their romantic partner anymore, or be scared I was angry with them or hated them. I was tired of reassuring everyone of this over and over and it wasn't working well anyways. So this was how I changed things up.

Ananke · 26-30, F

Here is an example of one of my glaring design flaws-I made myself a "dad". A father figure. Someone who would make feel safe, a guardian, and was wise and could guide me and help me to be better. I basically imagined him as the sort of being I wanted to be.

Sounds lovely right? Well. Here are some issues with that: a) he is NOT my father in reality at all. I created HIM. So technically, I am his mother. I am my father's mother.

b) Not only did my intents for creating him result in a weird combination of him being both my father and son, which probably created very mixed confusing feelings for him because he was literally made by me and looked to me for guidance & approval but was also somehow supposed to know better than me and how to guide me somehow. That is a LOT of pressure.

c) In addition to the 2 aforementioned things, this spirit experiences the exact same reaction to my energy as all other spirits do. He is sexually attracted to me. Soooo. He is my father, my son, and he is sexually attracted to me. Wow, talk about a situation in which you would develop some damn crazy complexes. And surprise surprise, he did.

d) I created a spirit to be my guardian and protector. So he came into being with an INSANE amount of power because he had to be capable of protecting something like me. (I did not really need protecting-but I didn't understand that back then). This was.....really really dangerous of me to do. Because a creation that is strong enough to protect you....is also strong enough to be a real nightmare for you to tussle with. And makes him a difficult entity to resist/stand up to by other spirits, because he was designed to be the strongest of the strong so I felt safe. And then this entity I made as my father but was my son that was supposed to love and guide and protect me had violent sexual urges towards me. That probably messed him up. I know it messed me up when I found out eventually!

So can you really blame him for turning out how he did? It's because my design of him was sloppy and based on my own wishes rather than careful design. To be fair, I am pretty sure he was one of my earliest creations. So I was still really new and rough. I am not really good at carefully thinking things through when I make them, I make them on a whim because I like them that way. This meant creation was just a disaster at first. Later I created a spirit to help me design everything and things got way better. However again, I should not have been designing creations to assist me with my job. That was just unfair to them and started them off in existence with so much pressure and expectation of them. But I didn't know. I had no clue how they really felt until things started to fall apart. And then I didn't understand how my perfect paradise had come apart. It's because it was never a perfect paradise to begin with-that was just my fantasy. The spirits were all confused and overwhelmed and stressed probably constantly right off the bat. I didn't get it.

Ananke · 26-30, F

I am love. I am creation. I am light. I am their mother. But they see me as pleasure, as desire, as temptation. As their lover. It's incorrect. I think it's because they aren't developed enough yet to be able to understand my energy entirely, so they are understanding it right now on a VERY primal basic level. That's why I have been trying to change things.

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