Hey...hold up...please work with me here...READ THIS
Like four years ago I made this profile.
Then I vanished for about three of those...
I gave some excuse or another..... but I'm gonna admit what ever i said was bullshit.
Lied to you.
See....I had posted something about myself. Stuff that i was ashamed of. Stuff i thought would make people hate me.
As soon as that post hit the thread...three years later I read its responses.
Absolute panic.
What the hell did I just DO!
Ill never go back. Planned not to.
Couldnt face you. Not perfect me. That shit would never happen to perfect life me. I mean thats who I was.
Well...then I came back. I read the responses...a lot to read because like a lot of you were on it.
Then I layed in my bed and cried a good day or so. Got stupid drunk a did more crying.
For a good shit...15...20 years I believed it was so horrible. Deep set shame based sickness. In my heart.
I had read...support....kindness...understanding....
sympathy and love.
Of course I kept this a secret as well.
So I did it again. Ive posted and responded with some shit Ive actually never in my life told anyone. Not even the girl I shared a womb with.
So...having found the absolute best therapy i could have experienced in my entire life.
Called Telling The Truth
I did tell my sister...my father...my mom.
I flew home to do it. Actually told them a ton of shit. . Literally who I was. Who they didnt know.
Then this morning, i figured I'd best tell on myself.
For lying to you . And for actually believing you all were just whoever where ever and didn't matter to me.
That was a lie I told myself.
I know this is drawn out and wordy af ...but as you know ....I'm well...drawn out and wordy af.
Even if my apology dont amount to shit for you, and if you are also believing were all just goast in this machine...
Know in your heart the truth that regardless of how you feel...
I know in mine that i absolutely love you all.
🩷
Then I vanished for about three of those...
I gave some excuse or another..... but I'm gonna admit what ever i said was bullshit.
Lied to you.
See....I had posted something about myself. Stuff that i was ashamed of. Stuff i thought would make people hate me.
As soon as that post hit the thread...three years later I read its responses.
Absolute panic.
What the hell did I just DO!
Ill never go back. Planned not to.
Couldnt face you. Not perfect me. That shit would never happen to perfect life me. I mean thats who I was.
Well...then I came back. I read the responses...a lot to read because like a lot of you were on it.
Then I layed in my bed and cried a good day or so. Got stupid drunk a did more crying.
For a good shit...15...20 years I believed it was so horrible. Deep set shame based sickness. In my heart.
I had read...support....kindness...understanding....
sympathy and love.
Of course I kept this a secret as well.
So I did it again. Ive posted and responded with some shit Ive actually never in my life told anyone. Not even the girl I shared a womb with.
So...having found the absolute best therapy i could have experienced in my entire life.
Called Telling The Truth
I did tell my sister...my father...my mom.
I flew home to do it. Actually told them a ton of shit. . Literally who I was. Who they didnt know.
Then this morning, i figured I'd best tell on myself.
For lying to you . And for actually believing you all were just whoever where ever and didn't matter to me.
That was a lie I told myself.
I know this is drawn out and wordy af ...but as you know ....I'm well...drawn out and wordy af.
Even if my apology dont amount to shit for you, and if you are also believing were all just goast in this machine...
Know in your heart the truth that regardless of how you feel...
I know in mine that i absolutely love you all.
🩷
