I have a lot of internalized self hate

And to be honest my dad contributes a lot to it. I try to avoid him. Then he makes me feel guilty for how much he supported me financially growing up (and yes, to be honest he did everything required of him and more, including paying for my undergraduate education). But talking to him, he tries to exert some kind of control, idk how he does it but he somehow returns me to a scared little boy who feels guilty about everything and is wondering if anything he does is enough. And when I avoid him he calls to say how ungrateful I am and how I don't even care about him. I'm just tired, idk. I tried to invite him into my life by asking for his advice sometimes (because to be honest, he's not all bad). But when he gives advice, he frames it in a way like I better do what he says or else. Most recently he was talking about how he will not give his blessings to me if I get married before he approves/thinks I'm old enough to get married. I turn 24 next month and I'm definitely in no rush to get married, but for some reason he ws outlining his terms and conditions for me to have his blessings when I eventually do. Which include waiting till I turn 30.

I'm exhausted just typing this. I don't want to talk to him. I'm an adult and can fend for myself. But like, he has his ways of bringing me under his control. For example when I wanted to buy a car he insisted that I take a loan from him and not from the bank. I caved and now that's another one of his control mechanisms. I'm just really tired of him, I am.