how can i forgive people in my past for hurting & confusing me
because i still have a hard time at times forgiving people and just think ' you bastards '.
like when i was in my early 20s and i was struggling with rage outbursts and behaviour problems in public places....there was many times i was violently attacked by other lads or other men in front of lots of people, lots of women too, i was often overpowered, hurt and humiliated by being so violently attacked in public, in front of crowds virtually...and the women who i saw around at the time, who saw this happen to me, saw these traumatic events happen....some looked sexually excited, had erotic looks on their faces...some even giggling i remember....like they were ' getting off on it'?
i'm white and these women, these bystanders who saw these attacks were white women too....and what they did, the way they reacted really distressed me, angered me so much and caused me confusion? because i didn't understand why they were reacting that way to me getting hurt and humiliated?
and to this day i still hold a bit of a grudge, still feel angry about it, angry at what happened to me, but at their reactions to my helplessness and vulnerability at the time, i felt it was very cruel what they did...plus being enraged at my attackers for assaulting me so viciously.....when i think back to that long ago time i feel very angry and clench my teeth about it? which tells me i still haven't forgiven them or put the past behind me???
it hurt as well, because white girls are who i'm attracted too, i prefer my own race in women....so the fact they reacted this way to me getting publicly attacked, ie- giggling and erotic looks on their faces, i felt ' let down' in a way as well as very angry.
i've been coping with a personality disorder all my adult life, does anyone have any thoughts or feedback on any of this please? to help me get over what happened to me long ago?
like when i was in my early 20s and i was struggling with rage outbursts and behaviour problems in public places....there was many times i was violently attacked by other lads or other men in front of lots of people, lots of women too, i was often overpowered, hurt and humiliated by being so violently attacked in public, in front of crowds virtually...and the women who i saw around at the time, who saw this happen to me, saw these traumatic events happen....some looked sexually excited, had erotic looks on their faces...some even giggling i remember....like they were ' getting off on it'?
i'm white and these women, these bystanders who saw these attacks were white women too....and what they did, the way they reacted really distressed me, angered me so much and caused me confusion? because i didn't understand why they were reacting that way to me getting hurt and humiliated?
and to this day i still hold a bit of a grudge, still feel angry about it, angry at what happened to me, but at their reactions to my helplessness and vulnerability at the time, i felt it was very cruel what they did...plus being enraged at my attackers for assaulting me so viciously.....when i think back to that long ago time i feel very angry and clench my teeth about it? which tells me i still haven't forgiven them or put the past behind me???
it hurt as well, because white girls are who i'm attracted too, i prefer my own race in women....so the fact they reacted this way to me getting publicly attacked, ie- giggling and erotic looks on their faces, i felt ' let down' in a way as well as very angry.
i've been coping with a personality disorder all my adult life, does anyone have any thoughts or feedback on any of this please? to help me get over what happened to me long ago?
46-50, M