The loss of human connectivity

I'm tired of the effort it takes to understand and get closer to people and personal knowledge.

Yes, I am ignorant sometimes when I'm trying to understand. I wish it mattered more that I was making an effort, instead of not doing it perfectly. I am not insensitive, I need to be taught, most people need to be taught something before they can fully grasp it.

There's no patience for it and nobody wants to teach.

This is where knowledge and curiosity die.

Same with relationships. If your partner doesn't want to share, it's as if they expect you to read their mind, and they're upset that you can't.

If they won't talk about the future, won't share how they feel or converse in the moment about concerns, what are we even doing for each other?

Then you pry their feelings from them over and over because you care, and that becomes the norm of your stressful relationship.

Without communication, without understanding, we slip further into nothing.

We grow distant as neighbors, family, people sitting next to each other at dinner. We become offended easily and frequently. We are tired, burnt out and our knowledge remains locked in a vault we won't put the effort into opening.

We have reached an age of boredom.

I traveled my country extensively. Staying weeks at time exploring areas and learning all I could. I've read hundreds of books. Studied and created art on subjects that touched me. I've had boundless curiosity and spoken with as many different people from as many different paths I could, just to feel what they feel for a bit. I have always wanted truth, I have always wanted to understand.

But I feel an impasse spreading around me. Humans are fighting to keep their wisdom and truths inside. I don't know why this is so popular. We build walls to keep outsiders away, when it's diversity that truly makes us richer.

My little fox heart doesn't get it. I used to dance through learning, now I step carefully and watch for the traps people unknowingly lay so they can avoid sharing. I am suddenly offensive and insensitive for seeking deeper meaning in life besides the one note, murderous culture I came from. Emotionally stunted from banging into people's walls because it's popular to be cold and pretending everything is good vibes only.

The human experience is not getting better. Sometimes I wish I were alive hundreds of years ago when discovery was more than just funded research and bias news. It's changed so much even in my brief 40ish years. I feel unwelcome. Knowledge feels secret and truth seems buried...

I guess it's time to find a new way to grow as a person. Seek a community without stupid gates. But I am sad. I miss the human heart and it's complexities. It's all been replaced with gates, walls, and iron clad indiscriminate, unintuitive boundaries.