You Don't Owe Me a Response

Some people have created a toxic culture around Private Messaging. PMs are an asynchronous medium. If I message you, and you don't respond right away, that's okay. You can get to it when you get to it.

Likewise, if you message me, I might have SW up in my browser window. That doesn't mean I'm paying attention. Or that I have time to respond right away.

And if you never respond to me, or I never respond to you, that's okay. It's a voluntary agreement. Or it could be (as I recently had happen with someone) that I accidentally spaced it and just forgot to respond. I personally don't mind a gentle nudge to remind me that I haven't gotten back to you yet.

No shade. I've had that experience where I'm waiting for someone to respond and it takes forever. And I start telling myself a story that they are blowing me off. They must not like me anymore. Oh no, I offended them. They must hate me for all time. And then they respond like, "Sorry it took me so long to respond. I haven't been on much. I loved what you wrote!" And all is right in the world again.

So can we please take away the pressure that if we don't respond immediately that we must be blowing the other person off? That's just not how PMs work. It just adds too much unnecessary stress to us all.

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DarkHeaven ·

My inbox is where messages go to die. 😌

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

@DarkHeaven I've seen the screenshots lol

DarkHeaven ·

@ShadowSister lol

DarkHeaven ·

@ShadowSister I have a handful of people that I’ve let in but I’ve known them for years and years. They know all about my issues and inconsistencies and most importantly I feel very safe with them. I’m a real mess and my inbox is a big deal to me. Often I may not read messages for a couple weeks or more because it’s just to much for me. The handful of people get that… and don’t ever pressure me.

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

@DarkHeaven You mentioned a few times that you don't accept PMs, so I've always wanted to honor that. Whiteboard works just fine. :)

DarkHeaven ·

@ShadowSister maybe some day. I know I’m really weird about it and I’m sorry. I can’t even remember the last time I let someone new message me. I barely PM at all. 🖤 ty for respecting me.

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

@DarkHeaven No worries. I didn't have you in mind specifically when I wrote this post. But when you first said you don't take PMs, this is where I was coming from when you told me. I don't need to know what issues you have had with PMs to respect your decision. ❤️

DarkHeaven ·

@ShadowSister but as my friend… I also don’t mind telling you. But you are right, everything here is a gift of one someone chooses and we are owed nothing. However the level of entitlement to some here is staggering.

ShadowSister · 46-50, F

@DarkHeaven If you prefer to talk about it, that's fine. I will absolutely listen. But I don't have a pressing need to know. It's always felt private.

And yes, the entitlement is staggering. Part of the reason I wrote this is for something to link back to in the future.

DarkHeaven ·

@ShadowSister what I said already is why, I mean. There’s not a lot to it. I’m kind of a mess and it makes me too anxious most of the time.