Is it difficult for you to make video calls too ?

Last month I was spending a few days away and my family wanted to video chat every night and I just had nothing to tell them. I kept telling them to hang up and I got a bit angry at them, twice. I missed their presence but at the same time I didn't want to talk to them, had nothing to say and just kept telling them to hang up. Same thing happened yesterday when my mum video called me at night just to ask if I'm ok and I've had dinner yet. I was already pissed off by other things and was like ''that's what you called me for ? Yeah, ok, good, all fine. Googbye. I'll hang up now''and I hung up. That was so rude of me. I am so rude to my family on video chat. When we're in the same space, we talk sometimes (sooometimes) but when away I'm just such a horrible person, I feel like I don't have any answer to the questions and that the video calls are so lame although I wish they were with me (just them, not them and their problems). Anyway I feel bad about this. It makes me think: what kind of relationship will I have with my family when I actually move out ? Will I stop asking about them altogether ? Will my behaviour make them stop considering me a part of their family ? I don't want that to happen but it seems like this is where my behaviour will take me. I just have no patience

I think I have so many issues I need to see a therapist for

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Casheyane · F

I don't have answers for you. But yeah, something's wrong. But first thing I wanna ask is...are you okay? Are you happy? Are you feeling cared for?

Because I think you already know the correct behavior. The good one. But sometimes, when we don't feel loved, it shows. How can we expect ourselves to love when we don't have it to give?

nothereforpeople · F

@Casheyane am I ok? am I happy? do I feel cared for? I honestly don't know. I'm not a very happy person. I often feel sad and bored and depressed. Some days are better than others, and I know that logically I shouldn't be sad, I should be happy. I have my whole life ahead of me, as they say, and everyone says I have so much potential... . I can achieve a lot... but I keep feeling sad and like I've failed and it's the end of the world

Do you feel cared for? I know that there are people who care for me (mainly parents and sister) but I'm the kind of person that... if you try to hug me, I'll push you away and tell you that I don't need hugs. I want my family to see that I can do things myself, that I can take care of myself, stop trying to do everything for me and treating me like a child. At the same time I wish I had a partner who can take care of me (a fantasy), someone who knows their way around life and who can make me feel they've got my back, that they genuinely care for me, and spare me the stress I'm constantly in because of... everything. My family treat me like a kid, but I have to play the parent on most days. I am my siblings' parent and my parents' parent. Also, they focus on things I don't need their help with and neglect things I reaally need their help with (I've told them that and they got upset), and I'm not a teen btw

I feel like my feelings are contradictory sometimes, but yeah, I guess I was let down too many times as an adult and maybe as a kid also that I am now viciously trying to prove that I'm strong. I'm too tired of everything but but I feel like I can't allow myself to be vunlerable around others ... . I think they'll just laugh, or help for a second and then back off. I feel like they'll let me down when I least expect it, so I'm always the "yes, everything's going great. I'm fine, don't need that, thanks!" kind of person

I think there are many things about me that need fixing

Do I feel loved? I know my parents love me, but I feel like I'm a burden to them in some ways. Their problems and the things about them that I can't fix are a burden to me (I get so mad, for example, at how they allow some people to walk all over them). My parents like me the way all parents like their childrenn, but I feel like they don't love me the way I feel I need to be loved. And we fight a lot. We rarely agree on anything. We always argue. It feels like there's a big hole inside me ( lack of affection). At the same time, I have become a very distrustful person and will push away or be extremely suspicious of anyone who tries to be affectionate towards me because I feel like they'll eventually leave and I'll be on my own when I least expect it, or I just simply feel that this niceness is temporary, because that's been the case in all the friendships, relationships... I've had for as long as I can remember

Casheyane · F

@nothereforpeople It's scary and queer how I can relate to pretty much everything you said.

I don't have any advice. I am also trying to look for answers.

I don't blame you for feeling all that. There are days when we are given love, and yet we still find ourselves searching, hoping, waiting...because we're in desperate need of a different kind of love. One that could protect and empower and calm us all at once.

But let me tell you this. You can be strong and still need help. It's strength to admit we need help. But I also get that it isn't easy to ask for it, especially when we haven't met anybody who could truly make us feel like they could give us what we need and be worthy of our trust.

Maybe it's a futile search. I hope not. I guess this is why some people are called dreamers. Cause they still believe no matter how lost they feel.

I too am looking for the people around me to step up. Some did. And yet even now I am still looking because I don't feel whole. They rely on me. And I rely on them too in ways. They just can't give me the emotional aspect I need. It's a losing battle to expect people to be what we need. Some just are. Some won't give up trying. Some wants to but don't know how.

I guess we can't also expect them to be something if we don't tell them what we need. And it's painful to have told them and still see they don't bother enough to try. I get it too.

So in the end, I became strong. Yet now I'm also wishing, secretly praying for those kind of people who could be it. What I need who want to be there for me.

So what I'm saying is...you're not alone. :)

nothereforpeople · F

@Casheyane Thank you