I've had similar feelings. Hang in there. Your life matters to me. Things can only get better if you live to see it happen. I really want you to see your better days❤

Death seems like an escape? I wish it were. In my country dying is illegal. They keep you alive and then send you the bill. Ive been "dead" a number of times. Wake up in hospital after being shot. Woke up in the woods having been shot (separate occassions\shootings) had heart attack (gave myself cpr (did you know you can do that? Its actually very simple\easy to do.) I had brain injuries (woke up in the hospital was there for months had a brain tumor identified and removed (my brain is actually regenerating, theyve never seen that before).
I woke up in hospital apparently without many of my internal organs (seriously though no kidneys no liver no spleen no appendix, etc.) Where did they go? So far everything has regenerated about 5? to 7? years later (im showing them how.) Its mostly experimental but i told them, how to identify, the enzymes needed to heal me. So far its working. My lungs were not findable for awhile. Idk what happened. . . But apparently all those years of ramming jesus giving up his body down my throat resulted in me actually doing it. Wtf happened?
I find human contact more so emotional and familiar than physical has been most helpful. Good nutrition good people. Good laughs and good food. Ive had the physical too its nice but required? Idk. It helps.