I Am Single

I don't understand others and as a result I have become a hermit. I am friendly with neighbors but nobody ever connects with me on a much deeper level. I am certain it's partially, if not completely, my own fault.

I haven't dated in about 4 years. Not at all, i thought i was in the middle of a great relationship but then it fell apart. So i gave up on myself, because I just am a logical guy, and if things don't work again, and again, and again - well i assume it is a task that doesn't work- at least like that. And i only know the one way.

I thought things were going very well, but in retrospect i do see that she just had different ideas of what love is, and should be. She had a rough childhood, so i can not really blame her - we just had different expectations for the same word. I couldn't understand that for a long time, but i feel i do now.
But, I have been very depressed and just kind of lousy since we broke up. When i was with her, and before, i worked a lot and was building a business to support me and make a good life for myself. I was ready and able to support a family.
When it was shown to me that the family i expected, didn't want me, even with my offering to earn money and support us completely - it was a deal that was apparently no good.
It's hard to feel good about yourself after that... I was as sweet, helpful, and hardworking as possible. I was giving, empathetic, caring, supportive and super super happy. I was pretty much the best version of me i have ever been.

Yet... It wasn't even making me worth taking advantage of... That makes a guy feel pretty crummy inside. Then i tried to get some support from family and friends, and they all didn't help either, and i ended up becoming a hermit. I call family often, but all discussions are superficial and worthless. "how's the weather? Oh that's good... Etc. "
I feel like my parents don't respect me because i don't earn any money right now... Yet when i did, that was when all i would hear was "aren't you ever going to get married? You're not young anymore..."

I don't know. I feel like i just gave up because i felt like everyone gave up on me. I don't know how to fix things, because the only way to fix things is loads of money. I can earn it, but only WITH some money. I had assumed my track record of doing this before successfully would make this process very easy. Instead it made it harder.
People say "well if you did it before, why don't you have money now? " they don't seem to grasp that i was suicidally depressed, and i didn't care about money any longer. I still have always cared about people and what they thought of me, so i have a perfect reputation still, and i did not wrong any clients.
I figured I'd just be depressed for awhile, and if i did not die, then i could just restart business after i wasn't so depressed.
Well, this has shown me the true greed that comprises everyone in USA. I have hundreds of examples of people i have helped, who turn and offer only cliches and unkind words, opposed to genuine assistance.

I learned that any friend or parent will choose a small amount of money, over helping someone they profess to "love" and care about.
The truth is that "love" is a silly word that people use to help create their public facade of kindness and generosity. They say they like to be helpful. Then if someone asks for help they might add the caveat, "well i like to help those that i love," but if someone they "love" asks for help - they usually will still make the same choice as always. The real factor that matters is greed. What will they get?
If it's a young son, the father is investing in future pride. He hopes to be able to brag about how amazing his progeny is to others, and feel superior. If it's a wife, he will be kind because he wants her to behave in ways that please him - and she's more likely to do that if she is rewarded or bribed consistently.
Now if it's a grown son asking for help. Why give it? It just is contrary to greed, and when considered as an adult - the child's position in the world is considered in a more static fashion. The potential of the future is not a factor, because the father feels the son has already not shown the benefits the father desired. The son hasn't improved the ability for the father to brag and feel superior to others - so why would the father choose to help? He would be only losing money and gaining nothing, from his perspective.

Oh, but love between men and women ia different? Sure it is... If a wealthy man or woman, lets say woman has a husband that she supports - he must behave in ways to please her. If she becomes displeased, then she will likely stop giving him money or divorce him. Or at least threaten the use of those methods; in order to regain the desired behavior.

I don't know why i keep trying. I thought i met a girl that i actually liked a few days ago. I am surprised i still don't manage to be smarter than i am. She was very sweet, interesting, and pretty. I drove her to the airport, i sometimes drive for Lyft or Uber to earn money when I'm super broke.
Well, she sounded very kind, and i thought she wanted to hang out. I helped her get her luggage out of the back of my car, and she HUGGED ME!! I was blown away, albeit pleased, by the gesture. I had liked ber before that, but i was certain she wouldn't be interested in me, well - because no girls i like ever are... It's just logic.
But she was like so positive and kind. I decided the hug was a signal and i would have asked for her number, if i hadn't been triple parked at the airport drop off place. Since we were obviously constrained by time, i grabbed one of my business cards and gave it to her. I told her specifically that "i will be super disappointed if you don't text" and i thought that conveyed my thoughts appropriately.
She even was super positive after i brought up "we should stay in contact somehow..." and she answered quickly and was like "... We should totally be friends, or something... " with her talking before and after that.
I was nervous so i don't remember very well. I am not often nervous bc I'm always certain of nothing occurring - so when it does start to occur, or look like it might - it makes me nervous...

But she never texted... I would be lying if i said it didn't depress and bother me.

It's just, i NEVER try with girls. Partly because of this exact thing. I didn't like expect to marry the girl or anything crazy, but it would be nice to have someone act like spending time with me wasn't a punishment...

I do get really depressed when things like this happen. It's not that i was so certain we'd create some future together. It's just, that i always feel so rejected. I am a nice guy - I'm kinda witty, i am positive (when not expressing my inner thoughts, which i NEVER would do with people) and (people at least told me in the past - that) i am fun to be around. I can make pleasant conversation with just about anyone of any background or age-old as long as they know English.

I just am too sensitive for this world. Or i pay too much attention. Or both. Or neither. Idk.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

Primnproper · 56-60, F

I can see and feel you were genuinely extremely hurt by the break up you had. To suffer that much hurt needs time, time to heal, time to reflect, time even to grieve for what is gone..Women leave relationships for a number of reasons obviously in your case reading between the lines I'd say possibly the spark had just gone for her and she didn't feel she could get it back..Maybe you were working so hard you didn't see the signs, it happens.You created something once within your work, so the drive is in you you just have to tap into it again and off you will go..try not to read too much into the behaviour of others or that can keep you at a low point, you need to focus on you and where you want to get..Your no less of the person you were because you're not working, you're still that great guy just emotionally spent at the moment..Although it's hard to believe there will be a future for you, there is someone out there that will understand you and get everything you are about, you just have to fill your life with focus and purpose till they find you..Good luck in your future..

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

Just to interject... After much searching and evaluation of old discussions - i believe what made her leave was that she had a different idea of what love is. She grew up being abused, including rape and mental abuse. This abuse was from her father and then step fathers, but it was where she had her ideas of love created. I was always kind and sweet. She did not understand that as love, because she knew love to be occasionally painful, and the sweetness and kindness was used as a band-aid after the inappropriate and hurtful behavior.
Its sometimes sad, but people expect the same things they have always received. She knew love included her giving up sex and being mistreated. That IS love for her. When the love i provided did not include that it made her feel as if something was wrong.

So she ended up getting with a guy that's kind of abusive and I'm sure she doesn't smile nearly as much as she did while spending time with me. But, that was how she learned to do it. I should be upset with her father, not her (and i am. )

But i didn't understand that for a super long time. It also is complicated by the situation all of us endure, which is my subconscious mind doesn't always listen to my conscious one. I can logically think about all of the details and situations and have it all make sense. I understand that this is most likely the reason for why things went the way they did...
However i cannot convince my subconscious that i was not abandoned - yet again. I can logically understand why she left, and why things didn't work out - as i can also understand those same reasons for the failings of other past relationships (both romantic and platonic); however convincing my subconscious that I wasn't abandoned proves to be impossible.

Primnproper · 56-60, F

@Tv-hed: I had an upbringing very much like that and I have worked in that area and it does affect some people in that manner if they don't work through those feelings caused by those acts..In this case you know then there is nothing you could have done to prevent that outcome unfortunately that is something she needs to deal with in herself. You did everything right as in your perception of love and what it means it was just the girl had her own issues going on..Rejections never easy, I suffered rejection over and over at the hands of my ex husband but I knew my own self worth, I knew I didn't deserve it..That's what you need to get back in touch with..know who you are as a person, that you are loving and caring and have good intentions and that you deserve for that to be recognised in you..that gets you back out into the living..

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

@Primnproper: i feel like i have received the reward for being kind and truly generous... Abandonment.
Then i look at those who have always acted contrary to my methods. People who have always been selfish and greedy. It's funny, but they seem to have everything that i was supposed to end up with my being kind and trying hard.
I just misunderstood the world for so long. I was raised to believe goodness prevailed and that goodness is rewarded, even if it's harder to accomplish at first. This isn't even sort of true. It goes right in the same column as the advice for college. I was told if i didn't go to college and earn a degree, that i was guaranteed to have a crummy life and be super poor and working a labor job. Well... I was certainly fooled there. What happened? I now have insurmountable student loan debt, and bad credit, so even if i had a shot at a good job - I'm not allowed to actually have it.

It reminds me of the song "16 tons"... Business was told it couldn't have a "company store" like they used to; to create permanently indentured servants. But they managed to figure it out anyway.

Primnproper · 56-60, F

Don't be fooled by the ones that appear to have everything, most of the time their not truly happy in their lives, it's all work and no play..money should not be a motivation behind love because we learn money only buys peace of mind not true happiness..I've believed in love my whole life and even after two long marriages that I put my heart and soul into and got duped at the end i still believed in my perception of love and who i was, and I intended to carry on and find it..but I accepted I didn't need another person to define or validate who I was as a person. I lived and achieved for me and my own sanity..and when I wasn't happy I knew only I could make the changes to achieve my goal..