I Am Single

I don't understand others and as a result I have become a hermit. I am friendly with neighbors but nobody ever connects with me on a much deeper level. I am certain it's partially, if not completely, my own fault.

I haven't dated in about 4 years. Not at all, i thought i was in the middle of a great relationship but then it fell apart. So i gave up on myself, because I just am a logical guy, and if things don't work again, and again, and again - well i assume it is a task that doesn't work- at least like that. And i only know the one way.

I thought things were going very well, but in retrospect i do see that she just had different ideas of what love is, and should be. She had a rough childhood, so i can not really blame her - we just had different expectations for the same word. I couldn't understand that for a long time, but i feel i do now.
But, I have been very depressed and just kind of lousy since we broke up. When i was with her, and before, i worked a lot and was building a business to support me and make a good life for myself. I was ready and able to support a family.
When it was shown to me that the family i expected, didn't want me, even with my offering to earn money and support us completely - it was a deal that was apparently no good.
It's hard to feel good about yourself after that... I was as sweet, helpful, and hardworking as possible. I was giving, empathetic, caring, supportive and super super happy. I was pretty much the best version of me i have ever been.

Yet... It wasn't even making me worth taking advantage of... That makes a guy feel pretty crummy inside. Then i tried to get some support from family and friends, and they all didn't help either, and i ended up becoming a hermit. I call family often, but all discussions are superficial and worthless. "how's the weather? Oh that's good... Etc. "
I feel like my parents don't respect me because i don't earn any money right now... Yet when i did, that was when all i would hear was "aren't you ever going to get married? You're not young anymore..."

I don't know. I feel like i just gave up because i felt like everyone gave up on me. I don't know how to fix things, because the only way to fix things is loads of money. I can earn it, but only WITH some money. I had assumed my track record of doing this before successfully would make this process very easy. Instead it made it harder.
People say "well if you did it before, why don't you have money now? " they don't seem to grasp that i was suicidally depressed, and i didn't care about money any longer. I still have always cared about people and what they thought of me, so i have a perfect reputation still, and i did not wrong any clients.
I figured I'd just be depressed for awhile, and if i did not die, then i could just restart business after i wasn't so depressed.
Well, this has shown me the true greed that comprises everyone in USA. I have hundreds of examples of people i have helped, who turn and offer only cliches and unkind words, opposed to genuine assistance.

I learned that any friend or parent will choose a small amount of money, over helping someone they profess to "love" and care about.
The truth is that "love" is a silly word that people use to help create their public facade of kindness and generosity. They say they like to be helpful. Then if someone asks for help they might add the caveat, "well i like to help those that i love," but if someone they "love" asks for help - they usually will still make the same choice as always. The real factor that matters is greed. What will they get?
If it's a young son, the father is investing in future pride. He hopes to be able to brag about how amazing his progeny is to others, and feel superior. If it's a wife, he will be kind because he wants her to behave in ways that please him - and she's more likely to do that if she is rewarded or bribed consistently.
Now if it's a grown son asking for help. Why give it? It just is contrary to greed, and when considered as an adult - the child's position in the world is considered in a more static fashion. The potential of the future is not a factor, because the father feels the son has already not shown the benefits the father desired. The son hasn't improved the ability for the father to brag and feel superior to others - so why would the father choose to help? He would be only losing money and gaining nothing, from his perspective.

Oh, but love between men and women ia different? Sure it is... If a wealthy man or woman, lets say woman has a husband that she supports - he must behave in ways to please her. If she becomes displeased, then she will likely stop giving him money or divorce him. Or at least threaten the use of those methods; in order to regain the desired behavior.

I don't know why i keep trying. I thought i met a girl that i actually liked a few days ago. I am surprised i still don't manage to be smarter than i am. She was very sweet, interesting, and pretty. I drove her to the airport, i sometimes drive for Lyft or Uber to earn money when I'm super broke.
Well, she sounded very kind, and i thought she wanted to hang out. I helped her get her luggage out of the back of my car, and she HUGGED ME!! I was blown away, albeit pleased, by the gesture. I had liked ber before that, but i was certain she wouldn't be interested in me, well - because no girls i like ever are... It's just logic.
But she was like so positive and kind. I decided the hug was a signal and i would have asked for her number, if i hadn't been triple parked at the airport drop off place. Since we were obviously constrained by time, i grabbed one of my business cards and gave it to her. I told her specifically that "i will be super disappointed if you don't text" and i thought that conveyed my thoughts appropriately.
She even was super positive after i brought up "we should stay in contact somehow..." and she answered quickly and was like "... We should totally be friends, or something... " with her talking before and after that.
I was nervous so i don't remember very well. I am not often nervous bc I'm always certain of nothing occurring - so when it does start to occur, or look like it might - it makes me nervous...

But she never texted... I would be lying if i said it didn't depress and bother me.

It's just, i NEVER try with girls. Partly because of this exact thing. I didn't like expect to marry the girl or anything crazy, but it would be nice to have someone act like spending time with me wasn't a punishment...

I do get really depressed when things like this happen. It's not that i was so certain we'd create some future together. It's just, that i always feel so rejected. I am a nice guy - I'm kinda witty, i am positive (when not expressing my inner thoughts, which i NEVER would do with people) and (people at least told me in the past - that) i am fun to be around. I can make pleasant conversation with just about anyone of any background or age-old as long as they know English.

I just am too sensitive for this world. Or i pay too much attention. Or both. Or neither. Idk.

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SStarfish ·

Too sensitive for sure and maybe idolize "pretty" girls too much..

Don't put too much weight on asking a girl out.. Ask one or ten out and if one says yes be happy and if not.. Move on..

Or maybe find someone who you actually have stuff in common with.. Not just someone who is "pretty"

Go do something fun that you enjoy.. People like bright happy people..

No matter how nice of a person you are if you come off as desperate then it's isually a total turn off to most people..

Sad to say but true.. You need to be more independent of people's opinions of you and be more secure with yourself.. Aka have confidence..

Sigh

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

Pretty was the third attribute i listed about the girl... Just to be fair

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

I wish you had read more carefully... This is part of what irritates me about the entire process - assumptions.
You assume because i mentioned i haven't dated in 4 years that i am desperate. I am still likely more picky than a person who is a serial dater.
I also evaluate my potential dates on much more than their physical attributes. I care if they feel that family is important, or that they are a kind person inside.
But, people assume everyone has the same issues. So people mistakenly assume that i must be desperate and only asking dimes for dates.
That is not my situation. If i wanted to get laid tonight, i could. Sex is not the driving factor for me though. I care about people's feelings, including my own. An hour of sexual activity is not worth compromising my morals and ethics - in my opinion. As a result, i have been removing myself from the dating pool. This has not helped me connect with more emotionally valuable people or anything else positive. Which had been a hope. I thought not chasing down the type of girls that frequent bars would increase the likelihood of having a worthwhile relationship. This has unfortunately not come to pass yet.

SStarfish ·

I see.. To be fair I didn't read your whole post.. I'll go do that now 🙄

SStarfish ·

Ok well.. It sucks to be dumped or rejected.. It has a depressing effect.. That's understandable.. But as far as financial help from families go.. They don't always have money to give.. 🙄 Money is tight for most people in general..

But I think your view of people and love in general is tainted.. There is genuine love in the world that wants nothing in return.. Not everyone is greedy..

I feel like you should watch more movies.. Your perception of the world is super bleak right now imo

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

Some families cannot help. That's true. Some certainly can though, and choose not to do so.

I don't know for certain if watching any movies will help. I always think "well of course she said yes... It's in the script" when watching movies with romance. Or the guy will always have the perfect opening to say something super witty.

My perception has become very bleak, jaded, and bitter. You are so right. I am scared it's going to "catch" and be like my new outlook.

I want to be nice. I want to be giving and kind and generous to those i love and those i don't even know. But, i feel that the more realistic i am - the less that's a real adult thing. It feels childish, like it's what i wish was real, but doing it will only serve to harm me.

I feel like if i decided to be dishonest, mean, greedy, and everything else - that i would actually become a "success " fairly quickly. I think that people would still be PLEASED with me, even if my successes were the result of being incredibly selfish, and even potentially harmful to others. As long as the "others" weren't connected to the social circle of the people i hope to impress; i don't believe i would suffer any negative criticism. In fact, i would be admired and respected, instead of what i am currently.

This would also draw a really nice girl. Why? Because she only cares about what she sees - do i have to share? Am i kind to those when she can see? Will people say i am nice, to the people she talks to?
But that's just because of her being in a different position. Any employees would likely feel i was being selfish and not paying them their true dues. That would be true, because that's why i would be such a success.
People are successes, usually, because they take advantage of others - usually others in need. That's what makes them easy to take advantage of, by dangling a few dollars in front of them.

Even the stock market is based on taking advantage. Floridian retirees invest their money into a Michigan business. They don't know the workers, who are now able to work twice as much, with the new machine purchased with newly acquired capital. The owner of the business pays the workers an extra 10%, while making the extra 90% himself. He cuts 20% off that extra, and gives that as dividends.
So the retirees in florida are taking advantage of the steel workers in michigan, with the help of their employer.
So the poor folks do the work, while the rich folks enjoy the profits. Then the govt taxes the earnings from labor more than the earnings from capital gains!

So its obviously a "i can do this - so I'm going to, because it benefits me; and i couldn't care less how it affects you" world - why am i fighting it and trying to be a nice person? I should just admit my parents tried to raise me while apparently assuming the Disney corporation was going to take over the world and install a replacement world that's just full of flowers, sweet folks, and honest dealings.

SStarfish ·

You assume too much too.. I agree that some people are greedy but not everyone values such superficial things and that's where you go wrong.. When you assume that everyone have the same set of twisted values like that..

There are genuine people in the world who actually still do value honesty and compassion and and sympathy more than greedy power hungry rich people

So you shouldn't give up hope in the world and think you're the only one who cares..

That's all.

Don't despair.. You're not alone.. So don't give up hope..

It's good to be optimistic..

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

@MrsGearhead4: i feel like i have been optimistic for decades, and it's painted me into this corner. As far as good people, sure they SEEM IT. And there might be some good folks in the world. But it's like saying there are albinos. Sure, they exist, but just barely. It seems to me that the vast majority of the world is only projecting a facade. I probably misunderstood this more than most folks because of my morals and ethics, combined with the area i grew up, and the parents that i had.
My parents are really good at having a generous facade of caring. The truth is money is the biggest thing. My father has always said its better to be honest and work hard, than to take advantage of someone and benefit greatly. But, he doesn't act that way when money actually is shown. When i go home, if i have a ton of money- i am respected much more. My father won't really ask how i earned it, unless i offer that information. It's more important that the money just exists, thank the manner in which it was earned. I cannot think of a simpler example of "the ends justify the means. "

I also have had friends that are younger than me, and i helped them financially many times, and they also reciprocated loans when it was helpful for me.
So, these 2 guys were happy to borrow and lend up to about $2000, while we were broke college kids with no income. Our words were good enough, and we knew friendship was worth more than that figure - which was about the maximum we could collect at once.
Now, with these two guys firmly in successful careers (both assisted by me, one actually only had a chance because of a $3K bribe i made to his future boss) they won't even lend me $500!
Why? Did i not return money at some point?
Did i do something hurtful to either of them?

No...
They just decided they didn't need me anymore. I cannot offer them a huge benefit, in their current understanding of the world, so why would they endure a hardship? (even though it's not even a hardship! Lol, both make WELL over $100k per year, and are bachelors. )

That's what more than a decade of constant friendship, assistance, and caring gets you. Fucking nothing.

Yeah. I just need to wash this disney out of my head. It's unhelpful and it's already cost me half a life's happiness.

SStarfish ·

I see..

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

@MrsGearhead4: thanks for being kind and genuinely trying to help. I appreciate your efforts.

SStarfish ·

You're welcome.. You need a new set of friends imo. Blood doesn't make a family.. Sentiments do

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

@MrsGearhead4: i agree... I don't have any anymore in my town. All my old good friends moved away and I haven't managed to make any new ones. I really just got so down bc this last breakup, followed by dissolving of most friends, to the loss of income, causing a loss of any incoming respect from family.
It has been a really slippery slope.

I started trying to find new friends at good places, like church, but i just end up not talking to anyone except occasionally superficially. My difficulty in finding faith exacerbates this issue as well. I was raised to just be a good person, for it's own reward. Not because you're scared of a god or punishment. Just because it feels nice to be nice.

But people do treat kindness as a weakness. I just wish things were different. I just wish i was smarter so i could solve the problem, or dumber so i couldn't see it.