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I Talk to Myself

No one around but this screen in front of me. This is a good thing at the moment. I wouldn't want to .. infect anyone else with this dark cloud hanging over me.
For anyone reading.. I'm sorry ..this is not a positive post. You can stop reading now if you like...I DO understand.
I have "always" gave it my all, fought the darkness of my soul and mind.
Knowing life is all about attitude. It's up to me to reflect what image I wish to be.
Well..hell.. I do not want to reflect sadness on the day before the most joyful day of the year.
But I can't help it. I am faking it and praying to make it so.. to be happy.
It's not working.
sigh...……
So.. I will talk this out here. Reread it and hope I can grasp the true meaning of what is going on in my head.
It's been 15yrs since I spent a Christmas with my immediate family.
I'm a tuff old gal but.. the older I get.. the pain sneaks-in and I am overwhelmed with thoughts, regrets and sadness.
When my father died, it was days after my house fire, my husband left me and my sister needed me to comfort her.
I couldn't do that.
So she disowned me and sense she is the youngest and most precious .. she demanded that I was not invited to ANY family gatherings or her and her daughters would not be attending.
So be it and it was and has been since 2004. I am omitted from such … love.
Also, I have 2 grandchildren for the past 9 years that I have not had the pleasure of sharing this joyful time with.
My heart is heavy. My spirit yells...fight with all your might to overcome this darkness.
sigh.. I guess that is what I am doing here and now. Releasing this demon and praying that it will not bring me down so I can not get up.
THEN... Saturday, we traveled to see my husband's son and family. It was going well, we all were enjoying ourselves.... till my husband's ex wife showed up. OMG!
If I could of found a rock to hide under.. I would of. She was upset that I was there and she was not allowed in.
I swear.. I wish no one harm or to make any matters worse.
That applies to my family and my husband's family.
NOW my old behavior pattern is "trying" to get ahold of me.
That victim cry, the woe is me thingy.
What is it with me? Is there something that is so terrible bad about me and I am not aware of it?
It's like the Devil himself is making sure that Christmas is a taboo for me!!!!!!!!
I put so must love and time into my baked goodie gifts this year. I had a couple who never said a word..thanks or how bad everything tasted.
Is this my last Christmas?
Will I ever get to be with the ones I love at this time of the year?
A side note… My husband dislikes Christmas.
Which makes this feeling of.. I will never celebrate Christmas again.. real.
I am sorry for whining. I just had to release these thoughts.
This keyboard is my only outlet.
4meAndyou · F
You, my friend, seem to be stuck in an "anniversary" cycle. What terrible events you lived through...and all around this time of year!

I know that you wish things were different, and one such as you, who are normally joyous and love to be surrounded by people, must be suffering a bit.

But...tomorrow we celebrate the birth of our Savior, and when our burdens are too much to bear, He has offered to take them upon Himself. So offer up these feelings to our Lord, and He will dry your tears and lighten your heart.
4meAndyou · F
[@458550,Echoing] Humanity is and always will be imperfect while we dwell on this earth. In your heart, simply add a better prayer to that of your elders...(who don't seem to be too open to the words of the Holy Spirit, BTW).

GIVE all of this to God. He knows you are worried about your husband, and very depressed with the anniversary with which you have to deal, and your husband's upcoming surgery.

I think if God could speak directly to your heart, He might say something like,
"Fear not. I am with you."
Echoing · 61-69, F
[@387713,4meAndyou] you brought tears to my eyes my friend! psstt… God also has given me . . . Good souls like you to help me❣️
4meAndyou · F
[@458550,Echoing] 🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗
trackman11 · 56-60, M
Hardly a victim cry. You show so much courage and attitude even as your writing heart wrenching details. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you. People don’t realize how hurtful they are being when lost in their own insecurities. I encourage you to forgive them and celebrate in some small way that brings you joy.
SwampFlower · 26-30, F
I would invite you to our home if you were anywhere close. 🤗🤗🤗
Echoing · 61-69, F
[@871066,SwampFlower] 😘 I would come too. You are a special soul that I would love to enjoy visiting with! Have a Merry Christmas and a blessed new year❣️ 🤗
SW User
Have a blessed Christmas, my friend. For me, it's not really the festivities and gatherings that matter. It's about the little baby who came to us for our salvation.....Cheer up!😊 You are doing good.....💖💝
Echoing · 61-69, F
[@556877,chchchChanged] I've already had a chat with … the reason for the season. Cheer up.. I am trying. You.. have a joyful Christmas and many blessings to you in the new year to come!!💗
SW User
[@458550,Echoing] hugs and more hugs MB🤗😘 You are lucky to have a hubby to celebrate Christmas with....
Montanaman · M
My heart aches and breaks for you 💔😢 🤗 not pity mind you, but genuine compassion and empathy. And of course, Love.💞🤗💞🤗
Kelly.
Echoing · 61-69, F
[@701855,Montanaman] Thank you, I was not looking for pity neither... My mind is so full that I can not grasp the .. here and now. I HAD-TO vent.. it was building up inside.. Thank you again Kelly, for your compassion and empathy. I felt it!! 💞
Montanaman · M
[@458550,Echoing] you are so very welcome and deserving.🤗💞🤗☺️💞
RedRhapsody · 26-30, F
I’m sorry that you’re having such a tough time. May the real meaning of this season fill you with the peace and comfort you truly deserve. And though you are experiencing challenges that feel impossible to overcome, know that you are never alone.. You’ll make it through.
Echoing · 61-69, F
That I know too[@8959,RedRhapsody] I will make it through..giggling..till next year IF.. I can not find a good answer to this challenge 🤔 Thank you for reading and your thoughtful words. Merry Christmas to you and a happy new year!🎄
RedRhapsody · 26-30, F
[@458550,Echoing] Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you too 🌹
HappyMedium · 51-55, F
Sending extra hugs your way
(((Hugs)))
I hope you experience some joy in the days ahead
Echoing · 61-69, F
[@645383,HappyMedium] Thank you. To tell the truth.. my baking, the sending of cards and the Christmas tree is my joy! It's not all darkness.. the twinkling lights all around keeps a soft glow of hope going inside me.
I wish you a Merry Christmas and a very happy new year too!
HappyMedium · 51-55, F
[@458550,Echoing] I love hearing that💞💕💞
Thank you
MERRY CHRISTMAS

 
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