I Talk to Myself
No one around but this screen in front of me. This is a good thing at the moment. I wouldn't want to .. infect anyone else with this dark cloud hanging over me.
For anyone reading.. I'm sorry ..this is not a positive post. You can stop reading now if you like...I DO understand.
I have "always" gave it my all, fought the darkness of my soul and mind.
Knowing life is all about attitude. It's up to me to reflect what image I wish to be.
Well..hell.. I do not want to reflect sadness on the day before the most joyful day of the year.
But I can't help it. I am faking it and praying to make it so.. to be happy.
It's not working.
sigh...……
So.. I will talk this out here. Reread it and hope I can grasp the true meaning of what is going on in my head.
It's been 15yrs since I spent a Christmas with my immediate family.
I'm a tuff old gal but.. the older I get.. the pain sneaks-in and I am overwhelmed with thoughts, regrets and sadness.
When my father died, it was days after my house fire, my husband left me and my sister needed me to comfort her.
I couldn't do that.
So she disowned me and sense she is the youngest and most precious .. she demanded that I was not invited to ANY family gatherings or her and her daughters would not be attending.
So be it and it was and has been since 2004. I am omitted from such … love.
Also, I have 2 grandchildren for the past 9 years that I have not had the pleasure of sharing this joyful time with.
My heart is heavy. My spirit yells...fight with all your might to overcome this darkness.
sigh.. I guess that is what I am doing here and now. Releasing this demon and praying that it will not bring me down so I can not get up.
THEN... Saturday, we traveled to see my husband's son and family. It was going well, we all were enjoying ourselves.... till my husband's ex wife showed up. OMG!
If I could of found a rock to hide under.. I would of. She was upset that I was there and she was not allowed in.
I swear.. I wish no one harm or to make any matters worse.
That applies to my family and my husband's family.
NOW my old behavior pattern is "trying" to get ahold of me.
That victim cry, the woe is me thingy.
What is it with me? Is there something that is so terrible bad about me and I am not aware of it?
It's like the Devil himself is making sure that Christmas is a taboo for me!!!!!!!!
I put so must love and time into my baked goodie gifts this year. I had a couple who never said a word..thanks or how bad everything tasted.
Is this my last Christmas?
Will I ever get to be with the ones I love at this time of the year?
A side note… My husband dislikes Christmas.
Which makes this feeling of.. I will never celebrate Christmas again.. real.
I am sorry for whining. I just had to release these thoughts.
This keyboard is my only outlet.
For anyone reading.. I'm sorry ..this is not a positive post. You can stop reading now if you like...I DO understand.
I have "always" gave it my all, fought the darkness of my soul and mind.
Knowing life is all about attitude. It's up to me to reflect what image I wish to be.
Well..hell.. I do not want to reflect sadness on the day before the most joyful day of the year.
But I can't help it. I am faking it and praying to make it so.. to be happy.
It's not working.
sigh...……
So.. I will talk this out here. Reread it and hope I can grasp the true meaning of what is going on in my head.
It's been 15yrs since I spent a Christmas with my immediate family.
I'm a tuff old gal but.. the older I get.. the pain sneaks-in and I am overwhelmed with thoughts, regrets and sadness.
When my father died, it was days after my house fire, my husband left me and my sister needed me to comfort her.
I couldn't do that.
So she disowned me and sense she is the youngest and most precious .. she demanded that I was not invited to ANY family gatherings or her and her daughters would not be attending.
So be it and it was and has been since 2004. I am omitted from such … love.
Also, I have 2 grandchildren for the past 9 years that I have not had the pleasure of sharing this joyful time with.
My heart is heavy. My spirit yells...fight with all your might to overcome this darkness.
sigh.. I guess that is what I am doing here and now. Releasing this demon and praying that it will not bring me down so I can not get up.
THEN... Saturday, we traveled to see my husband's son and family. It was going well, we all were enjoying ourselves.... till my husband's ex wife showed up. OMG!
If I could of found a rock to hide under.. I would of. She was upset that I was there and she was not allowed in.
I swear.. I wish no one harm or to make any matters worse.
That applies to my family and my husband's family.
NOW my old behavior pattern is "trying" to get ahold of me.
That victim cry, the woe is me thingy.
What is it with me? Is there something that is so terrible bad about me and I am not aware of it?
It's like the Devil himself is making sure that Christmas is a taboo for me!!!!!!!!
I put so must love and time into my baked goodie gifts this year. I had a couple who never said a word..thanks or how bad everything tasted.
Is this my last Christmas?
Will I ever get to be with the ones I love at this time of the year?
A side note… My husband dislikes Christmas.
Which makes this feeling of.. I will never celebrate Christmas again.. real.
I am sorry for whining. I just had to release these thoughts.
This keyboard is my only outlet.
