I Spend a Lot of Time By Myself

As expected of an introvert, my comfort zone is being alone, in my controlled environment in where I set the mood, rules, etc etc. But it's a thin line between alone time and loneliness. It's very similar to a scale weight, where the battle to maintain equal balance is fought. I find it very easy to perform real, and helpful self-introspection and analysis of myself when nobody is around, as opposed to a cynical speculation when company is around.

It's so difficult to be myself with others, it takes months of everyday exposure just to warrant consistent communication, and after that, the process of opening up begins, yet another lengthy and tedious milestone.

Unknowingly, I've crushed many possible friendships under my immense barriers. Realizing that hurts just a bit, a small pebble of regret on a mountain face.

Can I change that? Should I? I've lifted my walls on very few, remote exceptions, and was burned severely each time without fail, and each time I drew more and more into myself in an attempt to hide the "real me" away from the world.

I reached a point now where being alone just brings out the worst in me, and those dark thoughts swirl back into reality, and am now at a cross-roads where it hurts to be alone, but it's terrifying to talk to people.

I don't even know what I want anymore. I wish I wasn't so pathetic.