I Am My Own Worst Enemy

I had the rug pulled from under me back in September. When my partner of almost 6 years suddenly decided we weren’t working. I had to live with him until April. Each day being torn apart hoping he’d change his mind and realise how good we were together.
I couldn’t cope. I self harmed, went to counselling and clnstantly had to phone friends, family and the Samaritans just to get through the day.
Even though I moved out almost 3 months ago my feelings haven’t changed. I’ve had nearly 10 months of him being distant, angry and not answering texts. But then he’d send me a birthday present and card signed “love from” and told me he wanted to talk.
He came round last night for the first time in over a month. I was stupidly hopeful. Hope was all I had. He told me it was over. He’d never said that. I needed to hear it but still can’t believe it.
My friends don’t understand why I can’t get mad and move on. It’s getting harder to find people who will listen. If it wasn’t for my kids I would’ve killed myself. I actually feel envious of those that do it. It would be so nice to feel that free and to stop all this pain.

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GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

I'm so sorry. Mine lasted almost 3 years, and it ended 3 months ago. Some days are easier than others.

My relationship was only long-distance, so I can't begin to imagine an in-person relationship of almost 6 years.

It's been taking me a long time to process what happened. She was my only support system, and that was my mistake in allowing that.

Everyone processes these things differently, and I've gone through stages: A lot of numbness and anger some days, and free and hopeful on other days.

Your pain is normal and understandable.

Relationships are the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, and I've battled clinical depression and alcohol abuse.

I think you need to avoid this guy at all costs - he sounds like he has his own issues.

Please continue to go to counseling. I didn't want to go at first, but I'm sticking with it.

You'll have an eternity to be dead, but only a while to be alive.

Focus on yourself and your kids, and life will slowly open up to you.

Easier said than done, I know.

I wish taking advice was as easy as giving it.

Bleed · 41-45, F

@GeistInTheMachine Thanks for taking the time to write.
I still need counselling but can no longer afford to go. Like you he was my best friend and whole support system and I didn’t have anyone else. Luckily family and some friends have been great but it’s not the same.
I went out for the first time last week and felt like I spent the whole night telling people we were no longer together. He hasnt told or seen any of his friends, it’s been 4 months now.
This wasn’t my decision, I didn’t want this but I seem to been doing all the cleaning up. From telling people, dealing with his devasted daughter (he thinks she’s fine, she doesn’t want to upset him, he won’t believe me) and it was me that had to move home etc

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Bleed What he's doing sounds borderline narcissistic and emotionally abusive.

It's awful that you're left with that burden.

I hope you can take every avenue you can to reach out and find support.

You're strong for dealing with all that.

Bleed · 41-45, F

I’m not strong. I just don’t have a choice. I’ve tried everything to get him to give me a 2nd chance.

GeistInTheMachine · 31-35, M

@Bleed You are strong, because you're still here.

Try to focus on doing positive things for yourself, so you don't stay stagnant and ruminating.

I know it's seriously hard, but if you focus your energy and willpower on positivity and moving forwards with a plan of action, you'll get a 2nd chance at the love you deserve.

If not from him, then from someone better and more compatible with your needs.