I Am My Own Worst Enemy
It was kind of heart breaking to try an log into EP and find it missing. I felt like my last resort had abandoned me. Thank you for this site.
Anyway...
I don't understand myself. I have so much going for me and so much potential to reap but I cannot get myself to work. I have a simple job that yields quite a bit of income if I can get to work but I never have the drive to do it. Even now, I use this site as a distraction to further delay me from work even though there are so many things I should be doing. I have a family now, a wife and kid who depend on me as their only source of income and nothing can get me to be productive. I have the promise of a company sponsored trip to a very beautiful place and still can't be bothered to do anything resembling production. I have always been this way. It is like I have this disconnect between myself and reality to where nothing seems to have any consequence. Deadlines seem like years away. Next week to me might as well be next century. My internal clock has no sense of urgency in it at all and the things that should be at the forefront of my mind seem like dreams. My own son doesn't seem real to me unless I'm actively holding him. Is there some sort of personality disorder that I should be looking into? Is there something that I don't understand about myself that causes this kind of delusion? I am the reason why
I am not living up to my own potential. I could be at the top of my company, making more money than I could ever need and yet here I am, letting my family down, typing out some sort of sad story to a bunch of strangers looking for anything resembling an answer. I don't know what motivation and determination feel like. I don't know what it feels like to go after a goal, or to even have a goal in the first place.
Anyway...
I don't understand myself. I have so much going for me and so much potential to reap but I cannot get myself to work. I have a simple job that yields quite a bit of income if I can get to work but I never have the drive to do it. Even now, I use this site as a distraction to further delay me from work even though there are so many things I should be doing. I have a family now, a wife and kid who depend on me as their only source of income and nothing can get me to be productive. I have the promise of a company sponsored trip to a very beautiful place and still can't be bothered to do anything resembling production. I have always been this way. It is like I have this disconnect between myself and reality to where nothing seems to have any consequence. Deadlines seem like years away. Next week to me might as well be next century. My internal clock has no sense of urgency in it at all and the things that should be at the forefront of my mind seem like dreams. My own son doesn't seem real to me unless I'm actively holding him. Is there some sort of personality disorder that I should be looking into? Is there something that I don't understand about myself that causes this kind of delusion? I am the reason why
I am not living up to my own potential. I could be at the top of my company, making more money than I could ever need and yet here I am, letting my family down, typing out some sort of sad story to a bunch of strangers looking for anything resembling an answer. I don't know what motivation and determination feel like. I don't know what it feels like to go after a goal, or to even have a goal in the first place.
36-40, M
