Real talk. *please don’t look down on me if it disappears later
Was out with my youngest, who even at 20 is one of the most solid individuals I know in this life. And while discussing many topics, one of them being the current and past actions of his dad, he put his hand on my arm, waited until I looked him in the eyes, and said, “You need a new man.”
I was stunned. Floored to even hear such a thing. But also grateful someone else said it.
I just can’t convey how happy it made me to feel that seen by someone I love so much. To have that confirmation that I’m not alone in my thinking. …it’s a feeling I can’t quite put into words.
And that can also be said of the instant heartbreak I felt for him saying those words of his own father. I imagine that something like that cannot be easy to acknowledge or even voice, especially to your clearly hurting but trying to navigate through life mom. It hurts me tremendously knowing the decisions my husband chose to make, and still chooses to make, has brought such disappointment in the eyes of my son.
And if I’m being honest, he’s not the only one of our boys who shares that opinion. It’s sad. Very much so that he went from being their Superman to whatever they see him as now. It’s definitely not a husband to me though, and because of that I grieve for the life that we could’ve had if things had been different. But I can’t sit with that grief for too long. It’s a sad, lonely, and too quiet of a place where I put all of the blame on myself when I know there’s nothing good that can come from that form of self-punishment just to protect the image of him I still have to exist with.
I’m just glad I’m not alone in feeling what I do, even though there’s some pain mixed in with the relief of that.
Life is complicated. Messy. I’m fortunate enough to have a select few who get me in this world. And with that, my broken heart is full enough to keep on beating and hoping for a different story one day. …perhaps a slightly happier one in the category of that special kind of love that is reserved for only one person. Until then, it’ll be reserved for me. Lawd knows I need it to get through all of this without losing myself in the process.
I was stunned. Floored to even hear such a thing. But also grateful someone else said it.
I just can’t convey how happy it made me to feel that seen by someone I love so much. To have that confirmation that I’m not alone in my thinking. …it’s a feeling I can’t quite put into words.
And that can also be said of the instant heartbreak I felt for him saying those words of his own father. I imagine that something like that cannot be easy to acknowledge or even voice, especially to your clearly hurting but trying to navigate through life mom. It hurts me tremendously knowing the decisions my husband chose to make, and still chooses to make, has brought such disappointment in the eyes of my son.
And if I’m being honest, he’s not the only one of our boys who shares that opinion. It’s sad. Very much so that he went from being their Superman to whatever they see him as now. It’s definitely not a husband to me though, and because of that I grieve for the life that we could’ve had if things had been different. But I can’t sit with that grief for too long. It’s a sad, lonely, and too quiet of a place where I put all of the blame on myself when I know there’s nothing good that can come from that form of self-punishment just to protect the image of him I still have to exist with.
I’m just glad I’m not alone in feeling what I do, even though there’s some pain mixed in with the relief of that.
Life is complicated. Messy. I’m fortunate enough to have a select few who get me in this world. And with that, my broken heart is full enough to keep on beating and hoping for a different story one day. …perhaps a slightly happier one in the category of that special kind of love that is reserved for only one person. Until then, it’ll be reserved for me. Lawd knows I need it to get through all of this without losing myself in the process.
46-50, F
