I Am Lonely

But I knew one thing: I knew that I did not want to be alone this afternoon. And yet I was. That is enough for me, enough proof that something needs to change, and that I need to be the one who changes it. I've been trying, I really have. But I'm hopelessly lost. I've lived a certain way for decades, and it's all I know. It hasn't worked.

How do you connect to other people? How do you make friends? When does a person cross that line, where you now label them a *friend*? Is it a feeling? A mutual one? What does it take for that person to *stay* your friend? Is it nice, to have friends? Could you describe how it feels?

These must be the questions I should be asking. Perhaps I could also talk less and do more. I'm scared that I'll get hurt again, but being alone this afternoon hurt me too. I'm stuck in my head, and stuck in my body. I'm angry and sad in mostly equal doses. Instead of the questions above, the one I do keep asking myself embodies my warped and misguided views on life and relationships...

“How do I forgive other people for not falling hopelessly in love with me?”