I Am Lonely
It seems the internet has gradually shifted into a place that is superficial. Maybe I was disillusioned in my younger years, but I vividly recall the internet as a magical- even fantastical- place where I could connect with others such as myself.
These places no longer exist, and if they do, they are but mere shells of what they once were. It makes sense that people grew out of the sites, naturally. Some of the sites, however, were altered for unnatural reasons- involving political correctness and a desire to mimic trendy websites like Facebook. Now it seems there are very few websites where one can truly speak his/her mind.
The 'old school' websites of the past, where I made long term friends, grew, and had many difficult moments as well as good laughs, are gone. It has been years since they existed, and I occasionally sift through the internet on a quest to find the 'new world' of the internet, only to be deeply disappointed.
I realise that my generation is possibly more nostalgic than the ones that came before us due to visual interpretations of data and memories being so different from mental processes prior to the public use of the internet. I realise that we have endless images we can look back at that have steadily documented our experiences, giving us specific memories in which to vividly hold on to, even if those memories have evolved and changed beyond our own abilities to understand. (Every time we recall a memory, that memory changes ever so slightly. It is so subtle that we cannot detect the changes, so memories that we think we are accurately recollecting may well be nothing more than illusions loosely based off past realities.)
I think one of my greatest weaknesses is my inability to fully let go of the past. Through meditation I have experienced the release of past issues and challenges, and I genuinely feel like I have moved on from them, only for them to return when I am feeling low. I can and have gone months, even years, without thinking of something that has bothered me very greatly in the past, only for it to rear its unwanted feelings and thoughts within my inner psyche.
They are cyclical and infrequent: a combination that makes it very hard to target the root cause of such phenomena, but it seems that being slightly depressed, for whatever reason, triggers the pattern of recalling things that can make me feel even worse. Quite frankly, this is not good. What's even worse is that I know I won't get depressed for long because I am fairly strong, so I can be a bit lazy about indulging in negative thought patterns. I might even think it's healthy to feel downcast and lowly for short periods of time, so long as it's not indefinite.
I get depressed when I am lonely and life is sluggishly uneventful, which it often is these days. It's quite the contrast from some of my most heightened experiences that I've had since 2015. The very fact that I have something to compare my current state of living to is also a contributing factor to my negative feelings and thoughts. I just wish I could be doing something meaningful with my life. I feel helpless, like everything is futile.
The more effort I put into job hunting, the more it hurts when I'm declined or never hear back from companies that seemed keen in considering me but didn't even have the decency to tell me they were no longer interested. My initial instinct is to be extremely sad and discouraged, when I should be angry and then move on. Instead, I absorb the feelings of failure for a while before trying again.
I just wish things would turn around. Being away from the love of my life makes me so miserable.
These places no longer exist, and if they do, they are but mere shells of what they once were. It makes sense that people grew out of the sites, naturally. Some of the sites, however, were altered for unnatural reasons- involving political correctness and a desire to mimic trendy websites like Facebook. Now it seems there are very few websites where one can truly speak his/her mind.
The 'old school' websites of the past, where I made long term friends, grew, and had many difficult moments as well as good laughs, are gone. It has been years since they existed, and I occasionally sift through the internet on a quest to find the 'new world' of the internet, only to be deeply disappointed.
I realise that my generation is possibly more nostalgic than the ones that came before us due to visual interpretations of data and memories being so different from mental processes prior to the public use of the internet. I realise that we have endless images we can look back at that have steadily documented our experiences, giving us specific memories in which to vividly hold on to, even if those memories have evolved and changed beyond our own abilities to understand. (Every time we recall a memory, that memory changes ever so slightly. It is so subtle that we cannot detect the changes, so memories that we think we are accurately recollecting may well be nothing more than illusions loosely based off past realities.)
I think one of my greatest weaknesses is my inability to fully let go of the past. Through meditation I have experienced the release of past issues and challenges, and I genuinely feel like I have moved on from them, only for them to return when I am feeling low. I can and have gone months, even years, without thinking of something that has bothered me very greatly in the past, only for it to rear its unwanted feelings and thoughts within my inner psyche.
They are cyclical and infrequent: a combination that makes it very hard to target the root cause of such phenomena, but it seems that being slightly depressed, for whatever reason, triggers the pattern of recalling things that can make me feel even worse. Quite frankly, this is not good. What's even worse is that I know I won't get depressed for long because I am fairly strong, so I can be a bit lazy about indulging in negative thought patterns. I might even think it's healthy to feel downcast and lowly for short periods of time, so long as it's not indefinite.
I get depressed when I am lonely and life is sluggishly uneventful, which it often is these days. It's quite the contrast from some of my most heightened experiences that I've had since 2015. The very fact that I have something to compare my current state of living to is also a contributing factor to my negative feelings and thoughts. I just wish I could be doing something meaningful with my life. I feel helpless, like everything is futile.
The more effort I put into job hunting, the more it hurts when I'm declined or never hear back from companies that seemed keen in considering me but didn't even have the decency to tell me they were no longer interested. My initial instinct is to be extremely sad and discouraged, when I should be angry and then move on. Instead, I absorb the feelings of failure for a while before trying again.
I just wish things would turn around. Being away from the love of my life makes me so miserable.
31-35, F
