I Am Lonely
I am sorry for this rant but need to get it out somewhere.
Lately I feel like everything is going wrong, over the last three months it seems like the walls have closed around me. Family and romantic issues hit all at once and I have failed to recover as of yet. I know this is not the experience for it but I am also now questioning what kind of relationship I want if any with women at the moment. Since my breakup I am over thinking things with anyone it seems is interested in me and drive them away.
My work load has shot up while chances for promotion and the amount of time I am left to actually work have decreased.
Having always had weight problems I am back in a cycle I was in a few years ago of eating very little for a few days then eating all the wrong things in large quantities.
Every event I find myself at where alcohol is available I am over doing it, starting as the shy one then once I feel numb enough I become the life of the party before waking up the next day feeling awful and a little ashamed that I drank so much.
I have made contact with someone on here I trust and they have been supportive but my friends I grew up with and that I normally count on when in need of support seem to have cut me off, I have not heard anything from them in a couple of months.
It seems that everyday is a waste, stuck in the same repetitive loop. wake up, work, come home and sit until it's time for bed again. This is not living! I don't even know what I want to do with my life, yes no one truly knows in detail what they want but have some goals, me nothing. I am afraid to talk to my family, for fear of upsetting them as they are also dealing with issues and a part of my feeling is coming from a side of my life I have tried to hide from them. I can't open up about that part of myself with them and I dread the day they might find out.
Today I sat down and tried to write a list of my achievements in life. Everything seemed worthless, graduating from college with the best possible degree? So what? Recorded music? It's all awful, why did I bother?
I just feel alone and that I need something new in my life, something I can really feel proud of.
Until 3 months ago I had for almost a year and a half been very happy, seemed nothing could bring me down. Every morning promised something new, exciting and wonderful. Now every morning my first thought is what would happen if I didn't get up today? Another 24 hours closer to the grave and I wasted it.
I know I am weak, that in grand scheme these things don't matter and that there are millions and billions of people that in a heartbeat would change places with me, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
Lately I feel like everything is going wrong, over the last three months it seems like the walls have closed around me. Family and romantic issues hit all at once and I have failed to recover as of yet. I know this is not the experience for it but I am also now questioning what kind of relationship I want if any with women at the moment. Since my breakup I am over thinking things with anyone it seems is interested in me and drive them away.
My work load has shot up while chances for promotion and the amount of time I am left to actually work have decreased.
Having always had weight problems I am back in a cycle I was in a few years ago of eating very little for a few days then eating all the wrong things in large quantities.
Every event I find myself at where alcohol is available I am over doing it, starting as the shy one then once I feel numb enough I become the life of the party before waking up the next day feeling awful and a little ashamed that I drank so much.
I have made contact with someone on here I trust and they have been supportive but my friends I grew up with and that I normally count on when in need of support seem to have cut me off, I have not heard anything from them in a couple of months.
It seems that everyday is a waste, stuck in the same repetitive loop. wake up, work, come home and sit until it's time for bed again. This is not living! I don't even know what I want to do with my life, yes no one truly knows in detail what they want but have some goals, me nothing. I am afraid to talk to my family, for fear of upsetting them as they are also dealing with issues and a part of my feeling is coming from a side of my life I have tried to hide from them. I can't open up about that part of myself with them and I dread the day they might find out.
Today I sat down and tried to write a list of my achievements in life. Everything seemed worthless, graduating from college with the best possible degree? So what? Recorded music? It's all awful, why did I bother?
I just feel alone and that I need something new in my life, something I can really feel proud of.
Until 3 months ago I had for almost a year and a half been very happy, seemed nothing could bring me down. Every morning promised something new, exciting and wonderful. Now every morning my first thought is what would happen if I didn't get up today? Another 24 hours closer to the grave and I wasted it.
I know I am weak, that in grand scheme these things don't matter and that there are millions and billions of people that in a heartbeat would change places with me, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
31-35, M