I Am Lonely
As time goes on, the more I realize how incredibly dumb and/or numb I've become. I've been pushing these thoughts and a long-needed reality check to the back of my mind for ages now, fencing them in with a pretty decent fence, at that. You know, the sort that pretty well-off estates have, a sort of stone foundation/wrought-iron trellis type of thing. Basically, what I'm getting at, is that it worked pretty well. And something as simple as a song brought it all tumbling down in a matter of moments.
Lately I've just started denying the fact that I'm lonely. It didn't help much, but it was something. It kept the worst of the worst at bay. Finding excuses, making up stories to just tell myself that no, it's alright, everyone's like this, don't worry you'll get through it. During the day, everything was fine. But at night, as if I was in a routine, I went on all sorts of different boards, threads, forums and just look. Just look at people doing things, finding their significant others etc. And Christ if that didn't make me spiral even more into sadness. There were a few times where I got enough guts to post something. Anything. The few conversations that I had quickly fizzled out. And for a time, I thought - bleh, it probably wasn't meant to be, we were just different. Now, however, I realize that I was the only one to blame. Through the years, I've just lost that something that keeps me holding on to interaction, to the fondness of conversation. I am the one that pulls away, I'm the one to ruin things. And all because I'm afraid to say something stupid, say something awkward. So I say nothing at all. I get overwhelmed, I overthink things to the n-th degree.
''Because really, I just want to be there for someone and make them happy, but how can I do that if I say something dumb?'' - It's a stupid thought, for sure, but one that I can't get rid of.
The realization that you're the only one to blame is... well, it's maddening to say the least. All these years, I mean of course I knew there was something wrong with me, but to know that Christ, you really aren't going to change, are you. Now that's a whole 'nother thing altogether.
So many emotions, so much love to give out, and I can't because of these nonsense stipulations and rules I've put in place that are so set in stone, that they're at this point pretty much impossible to get rid of. In essence, that's all I really want to do. To love. To give. Not even be loved back (hey sure, it'd be a big plus, but beggars can't be choosers, right?), just to actually, genuinely love again. Have any emotions towards anything. Have interests and hobbies again. Feel things other than apathy and the occasional bout of sadness. It's as if I can't relate to people on an emotional level anymore. And that's actually a catastrophe for me, since that was the only thing I thought I was even remotely decent at. Empathy and understanding was supposed to be my strong-ish side, and now it's not there anymore.
Something inside has been completely broken, and I'm not sure why. I mean of course I can try formulating some dumb theory, like my brain just outright shutting down most emotions because a pretty large portion of them were kind of bad, and so the other side of things, the ''good'' side, was just collateral damage. Ok yeah that sounds even more ridiculous than I imagined, but I hope what you understand what I mean here (whoever that 'you' might be). I'm all out of straws to pull at. I've lost the ability to be human. Well, at least be human in my sense of the word. That's what humanity for me is all about - empathy, reasoning, understanding, emotions etc. Don't get me wrong, I still want to help, the longing for company and giving out happiness is still there, but without any sort of... how do I put this. Without any sort of feelings, there's no interest and without interest, there's no motivation to keep things going friendship/relationship-wise. A vicious cycle if I've ever see one.
What I'm getting at is that I just want to love something/someone again. To give that someone/something every single part of myself and never let go. Wishes that were there before, but have now completely taken over every waking moment of my life. And I don't really know what to do anymore at this point. Tried this and that, done things and stuffs, thought thoughts and idea-d ideas. I'm not asking for advice, as this is something I'm going to have to figure out. In all honesty, I don't know why I'm even posting this. Maybe to just know that... that there are others like this out there? Maybe talk a little bit? I don't know. In any case, I'm not asking for help, but rather offering it to anyone that needs it. Maybe, just maybe I can do something to ease the pain by just talking or... oh I don't know anymore. A great, big thanks (and maybe even a ''#1'' trophy. You know, a decent one, made of just slightly shoddy aluminum and spray-painted with a gold-ish colour. Other colours might be available, who knows) to anyone who made it this far into this completely nuts ramble of mine. Just thank you, seriously. I wish you all the best of luck and a wonderful rest of the day/night.
Lately I've just started denying the fact that I'm lonely. It didn't help much, but it was something. It kept the worst of the worst at bay. Finding excuses, making up stories to just tell myself that no, it's alright, everyone's like this, don't worry you'll get through it. During the day, everything was fine. But at night, as if I was in a routine, I went on all sorts of different boards, threads, forums and just look. Just look at people doing things, finding their significant others etc. And Christ if that didn't make me spiral even more into sadness. There were a few times where I got enough guts to post something. Anything. The few conversations that I had quickly fizzled out. And for a time, I thought - bleh, it probably wasn't meant to be, we were just different. Now, however, I realize that I was the only one to blame. Through the years, I've just lost that something that keeps me holding on to interaction, to the fondness of conversation. I am the one that pulls away, I'm the one to ruin things. And all because I'm afraid to say something stupid, say something awkward. So I say nothing at all. I get overwhelmed, I overthink things to the n-th degree.
''Because really, I just want to be there for someone and make them happy, but how can I do that if I say something dumb?'' - It's a stupid thought, for sure, but one that I can't get rid of.
The realization that you're the only one to blame is... well, it's maddening to say the least. All these years, I mean of course I knew there was something wrong with me, but to know that Christ, you really aren't going to change, are you. Now that's a whole 'nother thing altogether.
So many emotions, so much love to give out, and I can't because of these nonsense stipulations and rules I've put in place that are so set in stone, that they're at this point pretty much impossible to get rid of. In essence, that's all I really want to do. To love. To give. Not even be loved back (hey sure, it'd be a big plus, but beggars can't be choosers, right?), just to actually, genuinely love again. Have any emotions towards anything. Have interests and hobbies again. Feel things other than apathy and the occasional bout of sadness. It's as if I can't relate to people on an emotional level anymore. And that's actually a catastrophe for me, since that was the only thing I thought I was even remotely decent at. Empathy and understanding was supposed to be my strong-ish side, and now it's not there anymore.
Something inside has been completely broken, and I'm not sure why. I mean of course I can try formulating some dumb theory, like my brain just outright shutting down most emotions because a pretty large portion of them were kind of bad, and so the other side of things, the ''good'' side, was just collateral damage. Ok yeah that sounds even more ridiculous than I imagined, but I hope what you understand what I mean here (whoever that 'you' might be). I'm all out of straws to pull at. I've lost the ability to be human. Well, at least be human in my sense of the word. That's what humanity for me is all about - empathy, reasoning, understanding, emotions etc. Don't get me wrong, I still want to help, the longing for company and giving out happiness is still there, but without any sort of... how do I put this. Without any sort of feelings, there's no interest and without interest, there's no motivation to keep things going friendship/relationship-wise. A vicious cycle if I've ever see one.
What I'm getting at is that I just want to love something/someone again. To give that someone/something every single part of myself and never let go. Wishes that were there before, but have now completely taken over every waking moment of my life. And I don't really know what to do anymore at this point. Tried this and that, done things and stuffs, thought thoughts and idea-d ideas. I'm not asking for advice, as this is something I'm going to have to figure out. In all honesty, I don't know why I'm even posting this. Maybe to just know that... that there are others like this out there? Maybe talk a little bit? I don't know. In any case, I'm not asking for help, but rather offering it to anyone that needs it. Maybe, just maybe I can do something to ease the pain by just talking or... oh I don't know anymore. A great, big thanks (and maybe even a ''#1'' trophy. You know, a decent one, made of just slightly shoddy aluminum and spray-painted with a gold-ish colour. Other colours might be available, who knows) to anyone who made it this far into this completely nuts ramble of mine. Just thank you, seriously. I wish you all the best of luck and a wonderful rest of the day/night.
