Ever since I saw my ex the other day, my mind's been spinning and spiraling
🙃
All the things I normalized, that I now look at like "why tf did I think that was normal?"..
I also looked thru some old pics the other day, looking for a picture, and saw pictures of myself from before I met him, and from the time I was with him, and the change is so obvious in the photos.
Not only did I lose a lot of weight - quickly - but I also lost my spark. I went from being goofy, full of life and laughing and smiling (with my teeth showing), being extra, and not caring about other peoples opinions (I had finally gotten to a good place and enjoyed life). To being underweight, looking sick, constantly crying (and looking like I'd been crying), smiling without teeth showing/forced, quiet, calmer, loosing friends, constantly anxious and paranoid.
I never called him abusive after we broke up, cause he always told me that he wasn't (and he "normalized" everything he did, so I didn't trust myself to say anything) - but he could be and I would deserve it.. Also any other man would've beaten me cause of my "bad" attitude and behavior 🙄
I never accused him of beating me, or hurting me - but I had bruises that he told me to cover up - only on my body tho so it was easy to hide..
I never accused him of rape or sexual assault - but I wasn't allowed to say no, and if I did he'd cover my mouth, yell at me and do it anyways.
I never accused him of playing games - but he played with my mind constantly to the point that I started questioning reality, and doubting everything about myself and my own judgement.
I never accused him of being controlling - but I wasn't allowed to leave the house, take a nap during the day, go to work, put on nail polish or stay online after he logged off without telling him - and him saying it was ok - first 🙄
He literally broke my spirit into a million pieces, to the point that even now years later my body and nervous system reacts as if I'm in danger just from seeing him cross the road in front of me.. 🙃
fml.
All the things I normalized, that I now look at like "why tf did I think that was normal?"..
I also looked thru some old pics the other day, looking for a picture, and saw pictures of myself from before I met him, and from the time I was with him, and the change is so obvious in the photos.
Not only did I lose a lot of weight - quickly - but I also lost my spark. I went from being goofy, full of life and laughing and smiling (with my teeth showing), being extra, and not caring about other peoples opinions (I had finally gotten to a good place and enjoyed life). To being underweight, looking sick, constantly crying (and looking like I'd been crying), smiling without teeth showing/forced, quiet, calmer, loosing friends, constantly anxious and paranoid.
I never called him abusive after we broke up, cause he always told me that he wasn't (and he "normalized" everything he did, so I didn't trust myself to say anything) - but he could be and I would deserve it.. Also any other man would've beaten me cause of my "bad" attitude and behavior 🙄
I never accused him of beating me, or hurting me - but I had bruises that he told me to cover up - only on my body tho so it was easy to hide..
I never accused him of rape or sexual assault - but I wasn't allowed to say no, and if I did he'd cover my mouth, yell at me and do it anyways.
I never accused him of playing games - but he played with my mind constantly to the point that I started questioning reality, and doubting everything about myself and my own judgement.
I never accused him of being controlling - but I wasn't allowed to leave the house, take a nap during the day, go to work, put on nail polish or stay online after he logged off without telling him - and him saying it was ok - first 🙄
He literally broke my spirit into a million pieces, to the point that even now years later my body and nervous system reacts as if I'm in danger just from seeing him cross the road in front of me.. 🙃
fml.
