I was self-destructive for many many years.
Healing also means to deal with everything I did or "let happen" while I was surviving.
I've had trauma since I was 2yo. One thing after another. I've been in bad environments, with bad people, had their back over my own, ignored my own instinct to not "look weak". I've been sexually assaulted, raped, "sold" (I trusted my gut and didn't show up, thankfully), groomed, almost kidnapped (more than once). I've been in abusive relationships, had abusive friends, family members. I didn't have a loving home, it was barely a home really. My dad was in jail for murder, my mom was depressed and drank, my stepdad was angry and abusive, the home was usually always dark with curtains shut. I had to learn really young how to handle myself and to keep secrets. I've almost been stabbed, killed, shot at. I've had death treats, rape treats, groups of people waiting for me outside my home trying to lure me out. I've spent hours hiding from people, holding my breath to not be found, I've told myself to stay strong, to not cry, to not feel fear, I've turned it all into anger and survival. I learned to dissociate before I learned English. Growing up our apartment was so "ghetto" I used to break in whenever I forgot my keys. I spent many nights walking around outside waiting for sunrise so that I could safely go to sleep. I've spent many nights crying thinking that my mom was dead, or scared of what would happen if I went to check on her. I came home to a man from CPS telling me my mom was in the hospital and he needed me to go with him, thankfully my grandma was there and convinced them to let me go with her. I remember meetings with CPS, and a lady giving me her number, I threw it away. I was groomed by a man that faked a suicide attempt and blamed it on me cause I wouldn't sleep with him (I thought he actually tried to end things until I spoke to a therapist about it).
I also had good things growing up, it wasn't all bad. Specially after my mom left my stepdad, she stopped taking the meds she was on, I built a relationship with my dad (even tho the first years was at a rehabilitation home for criminals, lol).
My dad passed away when I was 20, it was the first time I broke down completely, and cried and yelled in front of my family. I kept hitting his chest to wake him up. I didn't understand death or how he could be gone, so it took a long time for me to be able to leave the hospital. My bf at the time, wouldn't let me grieve, and would tell me that I only needed him.
I was 22 when I finally left my ex. Then spent the summer in Turkey, at that time I was so numb nothing fazed me. I was drunk most days. I wasn't scared of anything because I didn't care what would happen. Two men tried to kidnap me, they grabbed both my arms and pulled me away from my friends, I tried to get away but wasn't strong enough. The police stopped them and took me to a station where they told me what would've happen if they hadn't been around. I didn't hear anything they said. All I could think about was getting back to the hotel to sleep. They told my friend to get me home. My friend decided to hitch-hike, and the man that stopped said he would drive us if he got my number. I didn't know he was a stranger until we were in the car, but also didn't care much. Next day he sent me a bunch of pictures of him and gifts he had gotten me.. 🙄 By the end of the summer I was feeling better tho, I had a one way ticket to Spain, I was feeling more alive, like myself, I cared more, I was actually excited for this new chapter and didn't feel like drinking or acting out, then I was raped again, and the man that did it threatened me and scared me so much I never spoke about it, I still haven't told anyone in my life what happened, I've only spoken about it here, that broke me, I shut down.
I moved, continued drinking, was in and out of the hospital/ER because of alcohol and my eating disorder. I told myself so many times that I would end up dying if I didn't change, but I kept going, I didn't want help, I didn't want to change, I didn't want to feel anything, I just wanted to have "fun" and not worry about anything.
More trauma happened, I kept spiraling, until one day I was sitting at a sidewalk with all my things wrapped in bags and took this picture, while waiting for my friend to pick me up, after being kicked out of my first apartment (and threatened with a lawsuit), I was in a bad relationship again, fighting with my roommate, and still running away from everything..
I then decided it was time to get my life in order and to put myself first. So I found a new apartment alone, I broke up with my bf, tried to work more, tried to eat more, started the gym, started walking at the beach daily, doing yoga again, and stopped drinking so much. Ended most nights smoking shisha with my best friend outside and just talking about things (she moved in next to me). Bad things still happened, but at least I tried to take care of myself. I didn't have a full break down until I moved back home, and sat in my new apartment (In my country) all alone for the first time ever, when I was 28.. I had a full blown panic attack, thought about ending things in panic, called my doctor and told her I needed help, then got into therapy, was diagnosed with CPTSD, ADHD, Panic disorder and eating disorder..
I'm still numb some days, but at least I'm trying to not be self destructive, I'm trying to use better coping methods, and trying to heal no matter how freaking hard it is.. I'm in a better place than I was some years ago, but some days/nights are harder, like today. I try to enjoy life, to live and not be scared or dissociate.
I'm really tired tho. I've moved 23 times, in 3 different countries. I've been to so many doctors, therapists, treatments, hospitals.. I'm ready to relax.. I don't need drama, I don't need arguments, I need peace.
I've had trauma since I was 2yo. One thing after another. I've been in bad environments, with bad people, had their back over my own, ignored my own instinct to not "look weak". I've been sexually assaulted, raped, "sold" (I trusted my gut and didn't show up, thankfully), groomed, almost kidnapped (more than once). I've been in abusive relationships, had abusive friends, family members. I didn't have a loving home, it was barely a home really. My dad was in jail for murder, my mom was depressed and drank, my stepdad was angry and abusive, the home was usually always dark with curtains shut. I had to learn really young how to handle myself and to keep secrets. I've almost been stabbed, killed, shot at. I've had death treats, rape treats, groups of people waiting for me outside my home trying to lure me out. I've spent hours hiding from people, holding my breath to not be found, I've told myself to stay strong, to not cry, to not feel fear, I've turned it all into anger and survival. I learned to dissociate before I learned English. Growing up our apartment was so "ghetto" I used to break in whenever I forgot my keys. I spent many nights walking around outside waiting for sunrise so that I could safely go to sleep. I've spent many nights crying thinking that my mom was dead, or scared of what would happen if I went to check on her. I came home to a man from CPS telling me my mom was in the hospital and he needed me to go with him, thankfully my grandma was there and convinced them to let me go with her. I remember meetings with CPS, and a lady giving me her number, I threw it away. I was groomed by a man that faked a suicide attempt and blamed it on me cause I wouldn't sleep with him (I thought he actually tried to end things until I spoke to a therapist about it).
I also had good things growing up, it wasn't all bad. Specially after my mom left my stepdad, she stopped taking the meds she was on, I built a relationship with my dad (even tho the first years was at a rehabilitation home for criminals, lol).
My dad passed away when I was 20, it was the first time I broke down completely, and cried and yelled in front of my family. I kept hitting his chest to wake him up. I didn't understand death or how he could be gone, so it took a long time for me to be able to leave the hospital. My bf at the time, wouldn't let me grieve, and would tell me that I only needed him.
I was 22 when I finally left my ex. Then spent the summer in Turkey, at that time I was so numb nothing fazed me. I was drunk most days. I wasn't scared of anything because I didn't care what would happen. Two men tried to kidnap me, they grabbed both my arms and pulled me away from my friends, I tried to get away but wasn't strong enough. The police stopped them and took me to a station where they told me what would've happen if they hadn't been around. I didn't hear anything they said. All I could think about was getting back to the hotel to sleep. They told my friend to get me home. My friend decided to hitch-hike, and the man that stopped said he would drive us if he got my number. I didn't know he was a stranger until we were in the car, but also didn't care much. Next day he sent me a bunch of pictures of him and gifts he had gotten me.. 🙄 By the end of the summer I was feeling better tho, I had a one way ticket to Spain, I was feeling more alive, like myself, I cared more, I was actually excited for this new chapter and didn't feel like drinking or acting out, then I was raped again, and the man that did it threatened me and scared me so much I never spoke about it, I still haven't told anyone in my life what happened, I've only spoken about it here, that broke me, I shut down.
I moved, continued drinking, was in and out of the hospital/ER because of alcohol and my eating disorder. I told myself so many times that I would end up dying if I didn't change, but I kept going, I didn't want help, I didn't want to change, I didn't want to feel anything, I just wanted to have "fun" and not worry about anything.
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More trauma happened, I kept spiraling, until one day I was sitting at a sidewalk with all my things wrapped in bags and took this picture, while waiting for my friend to pick me up, after being kicked out of my first apartment (and threatened with a lawsuit), I was in a bad relationship again, fighting with my roommate, and still running away from everything..
I then decided it was time to get my life in order and to put myself first. So I found a new apartment alone, I broke up with my bf, tried to work more, tried to eat more, started the gym, started walking at the beach daily, doing yoga again, and stopped drinking so much. Ended most nights smoking shisha with my best friend outside and just talking about things (she moved in next to me). Bad things still happened, but at least I tried to take care of myself. I didn't have a full break down until I moved back home, and sat in my new apartment (In my country) all alone for the first time ever, when I was 28.. I had a full blown panic attack, thought about ending things in panic, called my doctor and told her I needed help, then got into therapy, was diagnosed with CPTSD, ADHD, Panic disorder and eating disorder..
I'm still numb some days, but at least I'm trying to not be self destructive, I'm trying to use better coping methods, and trying to heal no matter how freaking hard it is.. I'm in a better place than I was some years ago, but some days/nights are harder, like today. I try to enjoy life, to live and not be scared or dissociate.
I'm really tired tho. I've moved 23 times, in 3 different countries. I've been to so many doctors, therapists, treatments, hospitals.. I'm ready to relax.. I don't need drama, I don't need arguments, I need peace.
