I've been hesitating to talk about it, but maybe writing helps.
There's one flashback I keep having, over and over.
Y'all don't have to read this.
The second guy that raped me was my friend, we had the same friends growing up. That day he had asked me if he could ask me on a date, I told him I wasn't dating (had just broken up with my ex), and also he had recently broken up with a girl that I knew. I also told him that we were friends, and I didn't look at him as anything more.
That night I went out celebrating my step sisters birthday, and while we were out he texted me asking to meet up, so I told him where I was and he came there. He lost his friends, and just came with us instead. We went to our hotel, me and my sister had a huge argument (not sure why), and we were kicked out of the hotel - literally followed outside by police/security.
She left with a guy (police told us to go separate ways), and I was left alone with him, unsure of what to do, he told me that he would go talk to them, maybe we could sleep there since the hotel was in my name, he told them that he was my bf, and asked if we could just peacefully go to sleep (it was like 4-5am), they finally said yes. I didn't actually want him to stay, but at the same time I felt bad kicking him out, so I just figured it would be fine (we had separate beds).
I tried to go to sleep, and he came to my bed, I got up and went to the other bed, and he picked me up and put me back in "my" bed. I told him straight away that nothing would ever happen between us, and he agreed.
He kinda cornered me and asked if we could just sleep together, I said no, but he kept begging, and I told him to just go to sleep.
Around 6am he tried to take my clothes off (I wore a t-shirt and shorts), I stopped him and told him to stop. He told me that I couldn't go to sleep while he was hard, and tried to force my hand on him. I tried to get out of the bed, but I was cornered between the wall and him, I still tried to get away, but he held me down, and then pushed me down using his body weight (I was around 49kg vs him being maybe 90kg). I started to panic and tried to push him away, I hit him and told him to stop, I looked at his eyes and his eyes just went blank/dark, which terrified me. He raped me. The second he let go a little, I got my foot on his chest and kicked him so hard he fell of the bed. He got up, I wanted to run, but I was scared and told him to leave. Instead he continued.
After he was "done", he asked me If I had a cigarette, in disbelief I told him "you raped me, and now you ask for a cigarette??" He laughed, said it wasn't rape, I asked him if he understood the word no? I asked if he heard me tell him to stop? he answered "yes, I guess I should've done that". At that point I just dissociated or something, the dissonance was insanely confusing.
He finally left, I ran to the door and locked it. I then sat down on the floor, and for about two hours I had so many thoughts going thru my head, I was paralyzed.
I thought about calling the police, I looked at the bed, then the phone, the clock, then just stared at the floor.
I thought about how the police/security (not sure) was there the night before, they saw how drunk I was, they saw us together (thinking we were a happy couple), how we got kicked out, and I should've just found a way home, how I could've stopped him, why didn't I fight harder or scream louder, what would happen if I called the police, would they walk me out again, in front of everyone, would they believe me, would it even matter. I was scared both for myself, but I was also scared what would happen to him if I told anyone, I was scared of what my dad would do (when he got out of jail, he said the only way he would be back was if anyone hurt me), what my uncle would do, what consequences it would get for my family, for me.
After about two hours a friend called me, I told him what happened, he got angry and after talking with him, I got up and left. Walking out I felt like everyone was watching me, like everyone knew.
I went home, showered, got ready and went to work. I told one friend (she was one of my bestfriends - and she knew him), she asked if I was sure, because he was "so nice". I deleted him, and the same day he added me back - asking why I deleted him, I told him everything he did and how I felt, I called him out. He claimed he didn't remember and apologized over and over again. I told him to stay away from me, and never contact me again. I blocked him.
A few years later, he followed me on insta, I blocked him there as well. Wtf.
I think it bothers me more, because he was someone I thought I could trust, and not just from a short friendship, but from a life long friendship, he knew my family, we grew up around the same people. The betrayal cut deep. And even tho it's many many years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday, I still feel it on my body, and get flashbacks that shuts me down. We grew up int he same neighborhood, and anytime I go to visit family, I'm reminded of him and what he did. I still feel his weight on me, and it makes me sick.
Y'all don't have to read this.
The second guy that raped me was my friend, we had the same friends growing up. That day he had asked me if he could ask me on a date, I told him I wasn't dating (had just broken up with my ex), and also he had recently broken up with a girl that I knew. I also told him that we were friends, and I didn't look at him as anything more.
That night I went out celebrating my step sisters birthday, and while we were out he texted me asking to meet up, so I told him where I was and he came there. He lost his friends, and just came with us instead. We went to our hotel, me and my sister had a huge argument (not sure why), and we were kicked out of the hotel - literally followed outside by police/security.
She left with a guy (police told us to go separate ways), and I was left alone with him, unsure of what to do, he told me that he would go talk to them, maybe we could sleep there since the hotel was in my name, he told them that he was my bf, and asked if we could just peacefully go to sleep (it was like 4-5am), they finally said yes. I didn't actually want him to stay, but at the same time I felt bad kicking him out, so I just figured it would be fine (we had separate beds).
I tried to go to sleep, and he came to my bed, I got up and went to the other bed, and he picked me up and put me back in "my" bed. I told him straight away that nothing would ever happen between us, and he agreed.
He kinda cornered me and asked if we could just sleep together, I said no, but he kept begging, and I told him to just go to sleep.
Around 6am he tried to take my clothes off (I wore a t-shirt and shorts), I stopped him and told him to stop. He told me that I couldn't go to sleep while he was hard, and tried to force my hand on him. I tried to get out of the bed, but I was cornered between the wall and him, I still tried to get away, but he held me down, and then pushed me down using his body weight (I was around 49kg vs him being maybe 90kg). I started to panic and tried to push him away, I hit him and told him to stop, I looked at his eyes and his eyes just went blank/dark, which terrified me. He raped me. The second he let go a little, I got my foot on his chest and kicked him so hard he fell of the bed. He got up, I wanted to run, but I was scared and told him to leave. Instead he continued.
After he was "done", he asked me If I had a cigarette, in disbelief I told him "you raped me, and now you ask for a cigarette??" He laughed, said it wasn't rape, I asked him if he understood the word no? I asked if he heard me tell him to stop? he answered "yes, I guess I should've done that". At that point I just dissociated or something, the dissonance was insanely confusing.
He finally left, I ran to the door and locked it. I then sat down on the floor, and for about two hours I had so many thoughts going thru my head, I was paralyzed.
I thought about calling the police, I looked at the bed, then the phone, the clock, then just stared at the floor.
I thought about how the police/security (not sure) was there the night before, they saw how drunk I was, they saw us together (thinking we were a happy couple), how we got kicked out, and I should've just found a way home, how I could've stopped him, why didn't I fight harder or scream louder, what would happen if I called the police, would they walk me out again, in front of everyone, would they believe me, would it even matter. I was scared both for myself, but I was also scared what would happen to him if I told anyone, I was scared of what my dad would do (when he got out of jail, he said the only way he would be back was if anyone hurt me), what my uncle would do, what consequences it would get for my family, for me.
After about two hours a friend called me, I told him what happened, he got angry and after talking with him, I got up and left. Walking out I felt like everyone was watching me, like everyone knew.
I went home, showered, got ready and went to work. I told one friend (she was one of my bestfriends - and she knew him), she asked if I was sure, because he was "so nice". I deleted him, and the same day he added me back - asking why I deleted him, I told him everything he did and how I felt, I called him out. He claimed he didn't remember and apologized over and over again. I told him to stay away from me, and never contact me again. I blocked him.
A few years later, he followed me on insta, I blocked him there as well. Wtf.
I think it bothers me more, because he was someone I thought I could trust, and not just from a short friendship, but from a life long friendship, he knew my family, we grew up around the same people. The betrayal cut deep. And even tho it's many many years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday, I still feel it on my body, and get flashbacks that shuts me down. We grew up int he same neighborhood, and anytime I go to visit family, I'm reminded of him and what he did. I still feel his weight on me, and it makes me sick.
