I feel numb
I went to my doctor (or the other doctor when my primary is gone), and I was honest, and she wants me to come back next week, so that we can talk more and send in a request for me to get back in therapy..
But a part of me wants to cancel it, and then another part of me, is just going along with what others say I should do kinda. It's hard to explain.
I want to get off my meds, but I want a support system while I do so, I want to heal my trauma, and I want to feel better, but I've lost faith in the system. And I'm loosing faith in my own ability to get better. It feels pointless right now. Like I'm going to waste more time, and for what?
She gave me this thing to fill out, with symptoms of depression, but I'm not depressed. I'm tired from having constant flashbacks, anxiety, doubt, night terrors and feeling like a failure all the time. I think I feel numb because of the medicine, which is why I want to get off them. I'm tired of feeling like I'm constantly surpressing everything I feel, because it's not what people want to hear or see from me. Like I need to be there to hold everyone else over water, and at the same time I'm drowning and using all of my energy to not show it to anyone, to put on a fasade, so that I'm able to work, help people, support people, be a positive friend that people want to be around. My symptoms are not gone, and I'm spending all my energy hiding them, which is why I'm so freaking tired.
I told her that I tried to cancel because I've lost hope in the system, and I feel like they just put a band-aid over everything with medication, and sent me on my way. Like, the problems are still there, they're just being drowned by medicine, and that's not what I want, but nobody cares about what I say..
I'm also tired of getting my hopes up, only to be let down again.
Idk..
But a part of me wants to cancel it, and then another part of me, is just going along with what others say I should do kinda. It's hard to explain.
I want to get off my meds, but I want a support system while I do so, I want to heal my trauma, and I want to feel better, but I've lost faith in the system. And I'm loosing faith in my own ability to get better. It feels pointless right now. Like I'm going to waste more time, and for what?
She gave me this thing to fill out, with symptoms of depression, but I'm not depressed. I'm tired from having constant flashbacks, anxiety, doubt, night terrors and feeling like a failure all the time. I think I feel numb because of the medicine, which is why I want to get off them. I'm tired of feeling like I'm constantly surpressing everything I feel, because it's not what people want to hear or see from me. Like I need to be there to hold everyone else over water, and at the same time I'm drowning and using all of my energy to not show it to anyone, to put on a fasade, so that I'm able to work, help people, support people, be a positive friend that people want to be around. My symptoms are not gone, and I'm spending all my energy hiding them, which is why I'm so freaking tired.
I told her that I tried to cancel because I've lost hope in the system, and I feel like they just put a band-aid over everything with medication, and sent me on my way. Like, the problems are still there, they're just being drowned by medicine, and that's not what I want, but nobody cares about what I say..
I'm also tired of getting my hopes up, only to be let down again.
Idk..
