I hate my brain sometimes... TW

I went out with my best friend, we went shopping and to eat, and we bought some matching yoga pants and because of how bad I feel with my ed right now, I took a bigger size, and she looked at me and was like "put that back, that's not your size🫣 I literally feel like a huge monster right now, like I could be on my 600lb life or something..

When choosing a place to eat, all I could think about was calories and that I don't want anything greasy or heavy.. That I didn't want to eat anywhere, because I can't control what's in it or how they make it.. I've had less than 1000 kcal today, and still I feel like I could've done better if I hadn't gone out to eat.. Even knowing that 1000kcal is way too little, and everyone (my doctor, nutritionist and so on..) would tell me to eat more, but I feel so heavy and just.. 😩

I'm scared of saying how toxic my mind is right now around food, because I don't want anyone to "ruin" it for me. Like my mind is just saying "I'll just lose some weight and then I'll be fine"🤡