When I look back at my past, I wonder if I really am a bad person

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life I'm not proud of. I had anger issues since I was a kid. I started off hitting people whenever they pissed me off & that led to getting in fights at school often. When I got older I realized that might've largely been due to my early childhood. I used to watch my parents fight to the point they were screaming at each other, pushing, choking, or hitting each other. I remember being scared at times but I eventually grew accustomed to it. In one memory when I was 4 years old, my parents were choking each other out against the wall & they started yelling at me to look away. I didn't even react, I just looked back at the TV & kept watching my cartoons while they fought next to me. Later that night the cops asked me if I saw what happened & I said yeah. So they asked what I saw & I simply explained it like it was a regular thing (because it was), then asked if he wanted to see my favorite toy. It was a Woody doll from Toy Story. He was my favorite at that age. The next day I woke up & our dad was gone. Mom took me to preschool & told us he was in jail but he'd be home soon. That wasn't the first time either.. There was a few different times that happened. All I knew was that Mom would take me to school whenever Dad was gone.

After our mom left it seems like our dad took his anger out on us instead. His new girlfriend seemed like she hated us. She would tell lies & exaggerate about us so we would constantly be punished.. mostly me & my sister. I even learned to stop crying from physical pain simply because I didn't want to show I was hurt. I could tell that made me get it worse but I still refused to cry. I haven't cried from any physical pain since that age actually. I'm not able to.

I'm not trying to make excuses for my bad decisions growing up, I'm just saying I can understand where my anger might've stemmed from. I went from always getting beat by my dad as a kid, to him later on being afraid to confront me because HE didn't want to fight with ME. I was normally a calm & funny guy it's not like I walked around mad or anything. It's just when someone provoked me, I became a different person. I just snapped. My childhood taught me to fight even though I was afraid & I did that for most of my life.

I don't feel like I'm a bad person now. I'm not angry like I used to be but it's like I'm always discovering something new that I've been wrong about & never realized it before. When I look back on some decisions in the past with newer insight... I can see how selfish I've been. How angry. Vengeful. Stupid. Reckless. Even just downright cringey like did I think it was cool to be an idiot or something? Even though I typically choose to be honest, I definitely don't feel proud of my dumber decisions. I laugh things off most the time because it's my way of coping but I promise I don't just take things lightly.

It's weird because I feel blessed but I wonder why I even deserve it. I feel like I'm still working so hard to simply deserve the good things in my life. I don't know if that makes sense. I used to never feel like I deserved anything so maybe it's just an extension of that feeling. Idk.
All I know is that when someone tells me I'm a good person.. I wonder if they'd still think that if they saw my whole life. Because I haven't always been a good person. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking selfishly but I do my best to re-evaluate when I realize it. It's like I'm always teaching myself to un-learn little pieces of bad behavior or attitudes that I never realized I had.

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kodiac · 22-25, M

I think when we are exposed to and subjected to abuse of any kind as kids we not only build walls to protect us from the abuse we also build walls to protect us from our own emotions . I stopped feeling anything ,anger, pain love, fear ,like a machine or an observer . You spoke about not being able to cry , that hit home for me . One of my worst fosters would love it if i cried. Made it his mission , i could just be sitting quietly and he would walk past and slap me hard enough to bring blood and of course i cried ,i was only 8 at the time . I could be sound asleep and he would slap or kick me then laugh when i cried . I would try everytime not to cry , then it finally happened he hit me and i just went numb so he hit me again but i didn't cry i was so proud ,but he went off on me i still didn't cry and have not cried since . The thing is when all of that stopped the walls i built stayed . Later as i grew more if someone even got close to me or starteled me i would go into attack mode . The shrinks call it excessive startle reaction . some of the bad descions we made were not because we were bad ,it was because we were changed by the abuse . It took time for us to change and will take time to unlearn the things we learned . I think you're doing an awesome job .

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@kodiac I hope one day you can access some time to just cry a bit, to release trauma, angst, fear and shame that was put upon you. When you mentioned feeling you're a machine,I felt it inside me too. I can cry, but due to excessive ridicule and mocking and threats, daily, my entire Sense of self was destroyed. I don't know who I am at all, and when I see pics from my childhood, I see myself as a shell...not a person.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@kodiac I always appreciate hearing your input man so thank you. You're always self aware & you speak on your thoughts & feelings so open & clearly. Which isn't easy to do when you've lived a pretty difficult life.
I'm sorry you were treated like that. I can also relate to feeling proud of yourself after you didn't cry. I remember that feeling too. My eyes were watery & I was in pain but I was so proud of myself for not letting any tears come out. Now as an adult, I can cry but only from emotion. It's like I don't even understand how physical pain causes tears from a person. My brain is like "if you snap a bone why would that make your eyes water? It has nothing to do with your eyes 🤔"
I also hope you can learn to cry again though. I mean I still hate crying & I fight it really hard but it helps in letting things go.

I think you're doing a great job too man. Even simply by being honest & understanding yourself. You're always welcome to reach out to me if you ever wanted to just talk about anything.

kodiac · 22-25, M

@ChiefJustWalks It's easy to be open with someone i respect as much as i do you . knowing you understand things most people don't . Something i wrote about needing to scream ,but also applies to needing to cry.
The scream

i know how it is to hurt all alone
When nightmares hide deep within dreams
And little boys hold all their secrets inside
But, when do I get to scream?

I know what it's like to be silent and brave
And stand still while fingers ream
And fight the tears back, when the night seems so black
But when do I get to scream?

I know what it's like to make yourself numb
And pretend you have great self-esteem
To live someone's life whom you don't know at all
Who smiles through his urges to scream.

And when I am dead and they open me up
They will find things were not what they'd seemed
For the child and the man and the demons will fly
Out of me, with a deafening scream.