genuine thoughts

I've always thought about killing myself but no one knows. I am always sa when i say I'm not or look otherwise. It's something I can manage, but it's too much at times. I care too much for others death has always felt selfish to me even I feel I want it or deserve it. I think instead to subject myself to fate worse than death at times, an unwanted and forgetten soul with zero ties left and nothing to lose but I live in perpetual despair and sadness till the day I but not my own hand that way I know know one will show or care when I'm gone and then no one else has to get hurt. However there is no such thing as fate I regret having those that care for me I wish I could break their hearts and set them free of me but even that feels too cruel and selfish. maybe the life I live now as it is worse than death. all I know is I cry alone at least no one to hurt or bother as whoever reading this will ultimatly as well be unbothered.