Things I want to tell you.

I know I never answered it, but I never denied it either… I was scared, scared of my own thoughts and knowing I couldn’t trust myself. I want to message you. I want to ask you if you’re okay, and why you took it away? Was it something I did, was it me? 👕🎶 Was it too much, was I too much? I’m so sorry if I was. I’m so very sorry if I made things uncomfortable or embarrassing for you. I just got lost in my own head and have continued to remain there waaay longer than I should.

You see, I’m damaged and broken. I’m not use to someone seemingly want to spend time with me or purposely try to make me laugh. Maybe I read much too deeply into everything when it all was nothing more than you just being nice and your usual funny self.

But those few nights, that little bit of time with you… they meant so much to me, and while I didn’t trust myself. You made me feel safe, incredibly comfortable, free, and happy just being around you. You made me feel like my usual self more so than I have in many years. The conversation was easy, the laughter and teasing felt amazing and came naturally. Your intelligent, charming, yet witty, and sarcastic personality had me feeling extremely weak. You were bold, assertive, and took the lead. It was like you knew me so well, Admittedly your personality is everything that I have always found extremely attractive in a man, and before I realized it I fell right into it, wanting to be around you more. The night when you randomly out of the blue touched my hand I knew I didn’t want that night to end.

Later when we were leaving, you asked what I was doing the rest of the night and I returned the same question to you. I wondered if you were asking because you also didn’t want the night to end. I was hoping that you might try to convince me to get in your car again and go somewhere, anywhere….

I’ve spent each day since lost in my head, fighting all my thoughts. Constantly questioning myself, what am I thinking. What happened?! How and why was I allowing my head to be consumed with all these inappropriate thoughts. Settling into bed imagining going places, spending more time together, having fun, sharing stories, laughing, being playful, and never growing up - even though you claim to think you’re more mature. (you’re not wrong lol) Tossing and turning losing sleep night after night over these thoughts that I shouldn’t be having.

I have been constantly staring at the button since that night. Fighting myself not to push it because I was afraid of being too much and of my overthinking. Every time I would see you I wanted to say something, but even with the words on the tip of my tongue, I was second guessing myself. I kept waiting for you to give me a hint, just a little bit of reassurance of what it meant, what your thoughts were, or if it simply meant absolutely nothing and I was reading too much into it. Instead you were also silent, silent in a way that I’ve never seen from you before. You would look at me with those eyes, eyes so deep and full of thoughts that seemed to be looking to me for reassurance as well, but also playfully saying “yeah and, so what now?” However, still like myself you were silent and said nothing and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was all in my head, worrying that I was just being delusional and extremely creepy especially given the situation. So if that is the case just continue to stay silent and I will understand. But if you send it again and/you say something about it, I don’t think I will be strong enough to fight myself against it again.