I Am Glad People Can't Read My Thoughts

But..., here are a few of them.
Go ahead..., read my thoughts...
;)

I'm just a good guy that excells at making bad choices and wrong decisions....Being close to 49 years old, it makes me believe that I'm unlikely to change any of these facts before I die. Which if God has any pity will be in like 5 or 10 years.....

Anyways, I've always been me. I look back at my life that's passed and I cannot find one single instance of me trying to be anyone else. Even that Halloween when I was dressed as Wolverine and ended up defending some woman from being beaten by her boyfriend. I wasn't trying to play The Hero. I just did what Rob would do.

So yeah, I'm me. I won't apologize for that. I just can't help it.

It's cost me more than I've gained, and it definitely wears me down a bit. But, no man was made out of stone until long after he was dead. I doubt anyone will ever turn me into stone either. Stone people are made of more notable folk than I for a many good reason.

I'm kinda sitting here. Kinda just typing some stupid shit that most people will ignore. Most people are stupid so that doesn't bother me at all. I type mostly because I like to type. It's a distraction of sorts. One that I use when I feel like being distracted from all the many bad choices and wrong decisions that have made up this non-essential life of mine. A life that has rambled on in just as disconjointed a manner as most of my posts.

I think a lot. I don't recommend it to anyone. Thinking often leads to feeling and that there is another thing that I don't often reccomend to people. While there are feelings that are fun to feel, there are so many more feelings that can suck the life right out of you. Maybe it's a far better thing to remain blissfully ignorant ? Bliss hasn't ever touched me yet, so I really wouldn't know.

"I think therefore I am" some dead guy once said. That guy was an asshat that really only wanted to poke fun at me. Don't listen to him. You're you even if you don't think ! I only know that because I know a bunch of people that never think and they're still right there when I look at them. So please..., think less, do more, be happy.

Isn't that the hope of all living things when you boil all of their varied hopes down ? Happiness.... Why else would anyone do anything that they do ? They think it will make them happy in some way.

People do all types of shit. They feel all types of ways. They're entitled to that shit. All of the things they feel comes from somewhere. They have reasons for feeling the way they do. I get it. But it's biased. Framed and formed in their own mind by the biases they keep and harbor. It's cool.

Perception is something I've talked about in the past. It's something I've paid more mind to in the past few years. I've come to the conclusion that a persons perceptions only speak to the people they are, and the way they choose to view the world and all that's in it. Those perceptions don't really define the things or people they're perceiving. It only defines the way they choose to view things.

I like to ramble. I like to type. I like to type rambles that have nothing much to offer but more questions that I can ponder. I tend to ponder almost as much as I ramble. I ramble almost as much as I contemplate. I contemplate everything in my own biased perception, and sometimes I pontificate.

Be well
Live happy
Die trying
Stop judging,
Rob

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SW-User

Sorry life has you down, and you've detailed it well reasoned with a certain kind of kindness, drawn from sadness. One you can actually take hope in that, you see what to take sadness in, that is the mark of a caring loving person which is the preface, or why you are kind.

But, you can't let yourself beat yourself down.

And always feel feel to type, and ramble. So if one perspective leads to another (happens) that leads you a certain way don't hide from it. I've felt that change from one perspective, in love, change to a dark place within me.

We all get hurt. And maybe the hardest is when we know we can somehow change those things in ourselves, and yet all attempts lead to an unsettlingly we are here again?

In a way, it does really matter, people all do sorts of shit - how does it matter?

HikingMan · 51-55, M

Darkness is my refuge from the light. A place where I am at home and belong.

It's been meant for me since the first dawning day I drew breath.

Relentlessly I find my way along.

SW-User

@HikingMan I also deal with a strange mixture of light and darkness. I let music deal with those elements of myself.

I understand you feel you are in a dark place in your life, but it hasn't always been this way?

HikingMan · 51-55, M

There is where you are wrong, my friend. Mine has been a life of foreboding darkness for as long as I can remember. Sorrow and woe have followed me all of my many long years.

Any ray of light that enters is soon diminished by the blight. Absorbed and transformed into a shrouding mist.

HikingMan · 51-55, M

I've learned to accept it.

SW-User

@HikingMan Honest here - a question can never truly be where somewhere is wrong, in this light - I left it to be answered. Is there anything you can do to change your foreboding and sorrow?

HikingMan · 51-55, M

I do it everyday. O give until it hurts. I sow seeds of light and love, and I spread smiles to those I pass by in this life.

I hope for others and save no hope for myself.

When my end comes for me I will be content in my trying. Though I know ot shall avail me not.

For all I give..., I cannot take. For all I share, I will never have.

The holes in me run deep and true amd aren't something I will ever be free from.

I forged these chains of mine and I will drag them with me long after I end. Like Marley shall I go into the afterlife.

Bound shackled and unforgiven by myself.

SW-User

@HikingMan Damn, I thought my love for Leonard Cohen and depression drove me deep in depression. I only hope, you articulate, with and where someone can help you. You seem kind to me, intelligent; which I do know, if you feel depressed, left alone, that attribute doesn't always help.

HikingMan · 51-55, M

I am mostly fine. I have too many responsibilities to be anything else. I won't ever kill myself if that's what you're thinking. But I'd quick as shit throw myself out a window to save the people I love.

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Pq9QDLoTNI]

SW-User

@HikingMan No where what I was asking, but thank you for answering. I'm feeling you are mostly angry about where you are in life.

HikingMan · 51-55, M

Nope. You'd be wrong about that. I'm just a terminally sad person. I smile all day everu day. I know for a fact that I brong joy to a good many people.

But in my heart there os no joy. In my soul there is a darkness that swallows me whole and consumes all of my thoughts.

Still, I awaken everyday and do much for many, and I smile for them. Sometimes they smile back...

It doesn't touch me though.

It's kinda hard to explain. Evem the best of my friends cannot figure me out.

My best friend, Sergio always says the song Knock On Wood reminds him of me, and he has no idea how I've endured. I've known him since kindergarten and we talk 3 times every week and hike together whenever we can.

I am closed inside. Light is a one way door for me. I seem able to give ot to others. I just can't feel it or see it myself.

It's just hard to explain.

Sorry for the confusion.

SW-User

@HikingMan It's not to hard to explained, signed sad man. Just think you have opportunity here and there, while you show some clinical signs of depression, you have a witty mind to ....

HikingMan · 51-55, M

Wit is my shield.
Intelligence my bane.
Humor my armor.
Tenacity my sword.

I am a black knight in the darkness.
A ninja of words and wisdom.
A pariah to my self.

SW-User

@HikingMan And I thought I endured having a partner, once, who went through bio-ethics to school herself in social work. If you ever want stains on your reputation date her. Seriously, though, I know it's of 'kind' but there is ways to see what you want in life and find them

HikingMan · 51-55, M

I want nothing for myself.
Thay could be the entire problem.

SW-User

@HikingMan Yes

It's lovely you want nothing for yourself, but clearly you do

and no one else knows how to express for you, then you.

HikingMan · 51-55, M

I want others to
Be well
To
Live happy
And die trying

That's it.

You can believe that or not. It's all the same to me.

It's a perception thing....

There are very few people that can read me clearly. Fewer still that can understand completely what they think they've read.

For a simple guy, I'm very complex.

I am going to crash. I have to be up in 4 hours so that I can go to the rinks to run my hockey program.

3 teams, 4 games each before thos weekend is done. Hopefully 5 games each which will mean those little kids will have made ot to the finals.

I have a 14 hour hockey day staring me in my eye. I need to do what those kids and their families need me to do.

Thay way they can all smile, amd I can come home to sit and contemplate thos darkness of mine.

Thanks for the chat.
You seem like a nice fellow.

Feel free to read any of my things. Not sure it will help with understanding me. But, it might.

I'm off to the land of my nightmares now. 4 hours of that os enough for anyone.

Be well
Live happy
Die trying,
Rob

SW-User

@HikingMan Thanks, I think things are simpler (space, life, time) are then you put them. I do feel you engage in mental self-harm, and maybe cloud that in moments in what you do. I suspect that is normal.