I Dont Know Who I Am Anymore
Sometimes when I get on SW I find myself very overwhelmed. I am a former uses or EP and I find SW to be much more confusing, I'm not sure why though because the two are very similar.
This isn't a post about how confused this site can get me though, although I'm not very good at beginnings, so I suppose that is kind of fitting. This post is actually about me. Maybe my confusion with SW is a perfect gateway into my confusion in general. You see, I've spent a lot of time the past few months trying to understand myself. I have an eating disorder, and for the first time in the almost 4 years that I have been struggling with this, I am finally reaching a point where I can say that and not feel like I'm lying to myself. Its hard, having something that is so self destructive, my mind honestly believes that I can't even have an eating disorder and do it right.
I find myself looking for signs of what I feel in other people, but you see, the problem with that is that I'm not entirely sure what it is that I am feeling. Somedays its like I'm feeling everything at once, while other days its like I'm feeling nothing at all. To an extent, I have shut down this part of my brain, I have become very good at putting on a good face and not feeling anything. Everything has been suppressed for so long, that at this point, I'm not even sure that the feelings were ever there. Except I know that they are, because although I don't feel them in the traditional ways, I feel them in other, more self destructive ways. They say that eating disorders often occur in people who feel as though they have no control. It's a funny disease because everything with this illness is about control, having none and having so much all at once. And even when what was once perceived as a lack of control is no longer a threat, the eating disorder doesn't just go away, it sticks with you, and this whole needing control thing just gets stronger. And before you know it, it becomes all consuming.
This isn't exactly where I had planned for this post to head, but somehow it got to this point. I'm not at my worst with all of this - I am on the upward slope, which is a challenge, but the wheels haven't come off yet - I'm grateful for that. This is probably this first time I have been able to express myself since I have started the journey to recovery, whether or not I will find myself back here, or writing in general, I don't know, but for now, I'm going to take this step in stride and say that I hope to be writing again soon.
This isn't a post about how confused this site can get me though, although I'm not very good at beginnings, so I suppose that is kind of fitting. This post is actually about me. Maybe my confusion with SW is a perfect gateway into my confusion in general. You see, I've spent a lot of time the past few months trying to understand myself. I have an eating disorder, and for the first time in the almost 4 years that I have been struggling with this, I am finally reaching a point where I can say that and not feel like I'm lying to myself. Its hard, having something that is so self destructive, my mind honestly believes that I can't even have an eating disorder and do it right.
I find myself looking for signs of what I feel in other people, but you see, the problem with that is that I'm not entirely sure what it is that I am feeling. Somedays its like I'm feeling everything at once, while other days its like I'm feeling nothing at all. To an extent, I have shut down this part of my brain, I have become very good at putting on a good face and not feeling anything. Everything has been suppressed for so long, that at this point, I'm not even sure that the feelings were ever there. Except I know that they are, because although I don't feel them in the traditional ways, I feel them in other, more self destructive ways. They say that eating disorders often occur in people who feel as though they have no control. It's a funny disease because everything with this illness is about control, having none and having so much all at once. And even when what was once perceived as a lack of control is no longer a threat, the eating disorder doesn't just go away, it sticks with you, and this whole needing control thing just gets stronger. And before you know it, it becomes all consuming.
This isn't exactly where I had planned for this post to head, but somehow it got to this point. I'm not at my worst with all of this - I am on the upward slope, which is a challenge, but the wheels haven't come off yet - I'm grateful for that. This is probably this first time I have been able to express myself since I have started the journey to recovery, whether or not I will find myself back here, or writing in general, I don't know, but for now, I'm going to take this step in stride and say that I hope to be writing again soon.
